


Vespa Ilkay and the Case of the Murderous Mask

by entropyre, stubborn_jerk



Series: Reverse AU [1]
Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alternate Universe, Betaed, Episode: s01e01-02 Juno Steel and the Case of the Murderous Mask, F/F, Genetically Engineered Beings, Humor, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lesbians in Space, Minor Character Death, Multi, Other, Past Relationship(s), Podfic Available, Private Investigators, References to Drugs, Screenplay/Script Format, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:40:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27367426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/entropyre/pseuds/entropyre, https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubborn_jerk/pseuds/stubborn_jerk
Summary: Three things were clear to our daring detective:- the Kanagawas were out for blood;- there was no ghost in that mansion; and- this case wasn't as open and shut as it seemed to be.Hangups and mysterious Dark Matters Specialist aside, she was going to have to get to the bottom of this from the very top: a dead body and words written in blood on the wall above it:YOU'RE NEXT, VESPA ILKAY.
Relationships: Buddy Aurinko/Vespa Ilkay, Vespa Ilkay & Jet Sikuliaq
Series: Reverse AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2133048
Comments: 11
Kudos: 19





	1. 3M3M - Here We Go Again!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vespa Ilkay has had a lot of clients in her time, high-profile and low. But when she's called in to investigate the murder of Croesus Kanagawa, head of the Kanagawa crime-family-slash-entertainment-network, it’s not the client that interests her. It’s what Croesus was wearing when he died – and an ancient curse that hangs over that very strange mask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, good evening Traveler! Welcome to The Penumbra. May we take your coat? You’ve picked an excellent place to spend the night, dear Traveler. The Penumbra is the grandest hotel this side of nowhere. Countless rooms and countless halls.
> 
> Will you be staying long? Many of our guests do. You’re in good company, Traveler. The Penumbra draws guests from everywhere and everywhen. And all of them have stories to tell. Stories that will excite you, delight you, and maybe even terrify you.
> 
> Don’t believe us? Well, see for yourself.
> 
> A bit of a disclaimer before we enter, Traveler. Some scenes from the story we are about to show you might give you pause, for any sudden changes and derivatives from the original episode or otherwise. Please hold any violent or emotional reactions inside the comment sections so that the writers may have time to laugh about them or that they may have ample time to flee.
> 
> Oh, what luck! Seems like the Detective is in. Come, Traveler.
> 
> Come with us into room V33.

Scene: 1

VESPA (NARRATOR): Hyperion City.

MUSIC: STARTS.

Some people say it’s the most beautiful place in the galaxy. And well, who can blame them? It’s one of those places that they make postcards about– hell of a skyline, twinkling lights; neon waves below and satellites hanging high above.

But the thing about skylines is that it only shows you the outside of things. Who knows what kind of mess is going on behind the facade?

I was thinking about that messiness the day I took the Grim’s Mask case. Probably because I was looking at a mess at the time.

SOUND: INTERCOM BEEP.

JET: Detective Ilkay. You have received a comms message from an unknown source. Might I inquire as to the contents of the message? …Vespa?

VESPA (NARRATOR): On my screen was what was supposed to be a glass trophy case, but it was hard to tell with all the blood and the lower half of a corpse hanging out one side. And believe it or not, that wasn’t what even made my heart stop.

That honor went to the wall behind the case, on which was written, in blood, “YOU’RE NEXT, VESPA ILKAY.” And that’s kind of a problem for me ‘cuz _my_ name is Vespa Ilkay. I’m a Private Eye, and in a city as ugly as this one, cleaning up is supposed to be my business.

Most of the time though… most of the time, it just feels like I’m spreading the mess around.

SOUND: COMMS BEEP. THEN, INTERCOM.

JET: Vespa. I am receiving another message, this time from a different unknown caller. I am afraid that whatever encryption they are using is making my readings less than clear-

VESPA: Can’t you take a guess? We only have three suspects on who’s loaded enough to start something like this.

JET: With the amount of on-field cases you’ve taken this month, this isn’t the first time this has happened. I suggest that we close the office for a day sometime this week so that I can make adjustments to our cybersecurity measures—

VESPA: Ugh, just put it through already!

JET: I am attempting to, Vespa, but-

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

WIRE: Chipper as ever I see, Vespa. It sounds like you treat your secretary about as well as you treat your friends.

JET: …It seems to have gone through regardless.

VESPA: It’s all right, Sikuliaq. It’s just Sasha Wire.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Excuse me: _Agent_ Sasha Wire, operative for the Dark Matters Special Investigations team. We were friends as kids, but the last time I saw her was fifteen years ago. That last meeting wasn’t on the best of terms, but neither of us seemed keen to bring it up.

Regardless, the Dark Matters uniform looked good on her: the sunglasses were the same color as her hair and the same temperature as her eyes.

VESPA: What’s with the face, Sasha? Smell the Hyperion stink from all the way over there or should I just turn off my camera?

WIRE: Isn’t it possible that I could just be concerned for your safety, Vespa?

VESPA: (SCOFF) Not with that face.

WIRE: Fair enough. I’ll cut right to the chase— have you heard of the Death Mask of Grimpotheuthis?

VESPA: You mean the thing everybody and their mother knows the Kanagawas excavated on primetime TV? Even me? You and I know damn well I couldn’t give a rabbit’s ass about whatever happens on streams.

WIRE: Well pardon me for bothering to check with you, Vespa. I figured I would at least give you some professional courtesy; I am “on the job”, after all.

VESPA: Ugh, fine. Ancient Martian tomb gets discovered at Olympus Mons live. Croesus films his disgustingly flashy exposé of the excavation and destroys a few priceless artifacts for good measure. Opens the burial chamber of some ruler, finds a Death Mask. Carvings around the Mask say who _cares_ , Sasha? Even _I_ don’t buy this “urban legend” crap.

WIRE: We do, Vespa. And you probably should, too.

VESPA: (ANNOYED GROWL)

WIRE: The carvings surrounding Grim’s Mask _specifically_ state that, quote, “Grimpotheuthis has earned eternal rest,” end quote, and that the Mask is to be left undisturbed… or else the ghost of Grim will walk again and seek vengeance upon those who disturb the tomb.

VESPA: This the part where the guy has a hook for a hand, Sasha?

WIRE: Take this seriously, Vespa. Urban legend or no, all evidence points toward the fact that someone has managed to infiltrate the incredibly sophisticated security system at Kanagawa Mansion, murder Croesus Kanagawa, and _paint your name on the wall_. Your life is on the line here.

VESPA: More than usual? (SCOFF) I’ll be fine. From the sound of it, this job’ll be a piece of cake.

WIRE: (SIGH) I thought you might say that.

VESPA: What, cake? I know I’ve got a sweet tooth, but-

WIRE: No. “Job.” Not everyone looks at a death threat and sees a job opportunity, Vespa. Dark Matters is also willing to offer you protection.

VESPA: You know, you say that like you weren’t the same before you left, Sash. So uh, hard pass. Lemme guess, “protection” is a new name and a one-room apartment out on some asteroid a billion miles from here.

WIRE: Well, regardless, it’s certainly fortunate that you’re willing to take this case. We thought it might be a… conflict of interest to have you on but the Kanagawa family requested you investigate specifically.

VESPA: So that’s the catch, huh? Figures. Sorry Sash, keep your lousy case. I’ll take death threats all day, but I’m not walking straight into the guillotine.

WIRE: Vespa, they were very insistent—

VESPA: Yeah? Well I’m insistent about not getting gutted by a bunch of mobsters with a TV station again, alright? (PAUSE, THEN A FRUSTRATED NOISE) Do you know the last thing Croesus said to me?

WIRE: No.

VESPA: It’s a little hard to remember with the concussion I had _,_ but I think it was, “If you ever set foot in here again, I’ll kill you.”

WIRE: What in the world did you do to deserve that?

VESPA: Saved his son— as much of him as I could, anyway, even with all my medical training, I still couldn’t… whatever. That doesn’t matter. Case or no, I’m not going back there if they want me, Sasha.

WIRE: Listen. Either you take this case with our assistance, or you and I start talking about what asteroid you might want to live on. I hear XZ2B-21-Z is very nice this time of century. It has an excellent view of Pluto.

VESPA: (ANOTHER GROWL)

WIRE: Don’t throw a tantrum, Vespa. An Agent will be arriving shortly to aid your investigation. She can fill you in on the details.

VESPA: Great. This day just keeps getting better. I am not being supervised by some fed in a suit all day, Sash. I left the force for a reason.

WIRE: Perhaps you can talk her out of the suit, then, but her assistance is not up for debate. Her name is Agent Eos Atoll. I’ve never met her, but her record is spotless, and she specializes in issues of this variety.

VESPA: Babysitting?

WIRE: The occult.

VESPA: The _what?_

WIRE: Goodbye, Vespa. I’ll see you in another fifteen years.

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Vespa Ilkay’s lot of different people depending on the day. Collector of blades. Decent medic. Clueless when it comes to anything “pop-culture.” Terrible dancer. But here’s one thing she’s not: an exorcist.

So I threw on my coat, grabbed my keys, and stuck my copper knives into their respective sheaths. If I was quick enough I might have been able to solve this case without ever having to hear about ghosts or whatever Agent Lip Balm was into.

Might have been able to, being the key phrase. I was a little too slow on that ledge.

SOUND: KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

EOS: (THROUGH THE DOOR) Hello? Detective Ilkay, are you in there?

VESPA: …dammit.

SOUND: SHE WALKS TO THE WINDOW. OPENS IT.

EOS: (THROUGH THE DOOR) Darling, could I ask you to-

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

Thank you. You are a gem upon Mars, sir – and twice as beautiful.

JET: I am not a gem, nor am I beautiful. But I appreciate the compliment regardless.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.

EOS: Detective Ilkay. How lovely to meet you at… last… (PAUSE) Darling, are you trying to crawl out of that window?

VESPA: Yeah, but you kind of interrupted me.

EOS: Well. I heard they do things differently on Mars, but I must admit this is a surprise. (CHARMING LITTLE LAUGH) You’ll have to show me your customs, Detective. Oh, and if you’re worried about me slowing you down, don’t fret— I’ve been told I’m a quick study. Is there enough room in that window for two?

MUSIC: STARTS.

VESPA (NARRATOR): The first thing I noticed when I turned around to get a good look was her hair. It was hard to miss— fiery red and suspended around her face like a flame around a wick. It didn’t blend with the suit, too… warm, too passionate. And I’m not sayin’ she didn’t look good in the thing; she was the kind of beauty who could wear a literal paper bag and make it look fresh off the runway.

The second was her face. With most of it hidden by sunglasses, I couldn’t really tell if the glinting smile that graced her lips was real. In the crappy lighting in my office, that smile said she was delighted I was doing something stupid but just about ready to push me to my death for it too.

It wasn't too unpleasant, all things considered. Actually, the opposite.

VESPA: (WITH A SIGH, CLIMBING BACK OUT THE WINDOW) So, you must be Agent Atoll.

EOS: Only to my superiors, Detective Ilkay. Call me Eos, please.

VESPA: Yeah, not happening. Sikuliaq! (PAUSE) Jet!

EOS: Oh, I wouldn’t bother calling for him, darling. Mr. Sikuliaq is… indisposed, at the moment.

VESPA: The hell is that supposed to mean?

EOS: Precisely what it’s meant to mean. I don’t make a habit of repeating myself, I’m afraid— if you’ve misunderstood you’ll simply have to take my word for it.

VESPA: Sikuliaq! You better not have laid a finger on him, you—

EOS: Me? Never.

SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS.[ VERY FAINT DEATH METAL](https://youtu.be/m2LzP4KrSds)— IT’S PLAYING LOUDLY FROM JET’S HEADPHONES.

JET: (LOUDLY BECAUSE HE CAN’T HEAR HIMSELF) Vespa. Agent Atoll. If you were calling for me, I did not hear it. I assumed that the two of you would be busy in there; I apologize. Do you require my assistance?

VESPA: (GRUMBLING) Forget it, Sikuliaq.

JET: (SERIOUSLY, JUST TAKE THE HEADPHONES OFF!) What?

SOUND: THE DOOR CLOSES.

EOS: See? Perfectly fine. I can tend towards the side of cruelty at times, Detective, but considering my role as a federal agent I try to reel it in when I can. I don’t bite _terribly_ hard.

VESPA: Riiight. Y’know, you should tell your coworker that. Just got off the phone with Agent Wire.

EOS: Ah, Agent Wire. Would you mind catching me up on what you know over dinner, darling? Introductions make me peckish, and I find that I give my best first impression with a glass of chardonnay and an entree for two.

VESPA: Eat in the car. I’m in kind of a rush. Some mummy wants me dead or something.

EOS: Frightening. My own mother came close, but couldn’t go through with it in the end— didn’t have the stomach for it, I’m afraid. Though if your tone is any indication, you don’t appear to be shaken by it in the slightest.

VESPA: I’m not.

EOS: Well, I admire your gallantry, darling, but I think you’ll be persuaded otherwise once you’re given the whole story. You see, according to legend, Grim’s ghost takes a sub-corporeal form made primarily of animal bones, serrated brass, and clotted blood, and he tears each of the targets of his vengeance into—

VESPA: You getting in the car or what?

EOS: Only teasing, darling. And even if you are torn to shreds by the talons of an undead nightmare, it won’t have been in vain. This little escapade has gotten me to Mars, after all, and it’s gotten me to you, Vespa Ilkay— and if I may be so bold I must say I’m enjoying both already.

VESPA: (ASIDE OR UNDER HER BREATH) Don’t think you need to ask permission, but okay.

SOUND: KEYS JANGLING. 

Ready to go?

EOS: Oh, Vespa. I’m always ready.

VESPA: (UNINTELLIGIBLE GRUMBLING)

SOUND: THEY WALK OUT. TRANSITION INTO CAR NOISES.

* * *

Scene: 2

VESPA (NARRATOR): Croesus Kanagawa lived in one of those stupid mansions over Uptown. If you wanna see it, look up for the moon, then look for the bigger, more expensive-looking moon right next to it. That’s the Kanagawa’s.

The mansion was heavily-staffed, and I don’t mean there were a lot of ‘em, I mean just looking at the biceps of the women guarding the door was enough to make your bones crack. Between muscle and firepower, the staff was armed, alright, and they had one other thing in common, too:

MUSIC: STARTS.

EOS: I’m certain you’ve noticed this as well, but isn’t it a little strange that every single one of the people we passed just now had the last name “Kanagawa” on their name tags?

VESPA: They like to keep their business in the family.

EOS: A family that large, one would assume-

VESPA: There weren’t really that many. They’re just good at surrounding you.

EOS: Well. That’s comforting, I suppose.

VESPA: Look, Kanagawas breed like rabbits. Most don't make it past sixteen, but the ones that do are crafty and would sell your limbs straight off your body for a quick buck.

EOS: My, those are savvy rabbits. The kind I’m used to eat carrots and wrinkle their little noses.

VESPA: This must be your first visit to Mars, then. If you like your limbs, stay clear of the sewers and always bring a money clip.

EOS: Noted. What do they do, then, these Kanagawas?

VESPA: Seriously? They didn’t… I don’t know, debrief you, or anything? What the hell are they paying your higher ups to do, model for sunglass ads?

EOS: I do know the broad facts, darling. My superiors prepared me for that much, at least. Stars of the stream and the screen by day, kings of the criminal underground by night. But that’s all textbook; I’d like to hear what it’s like down on the ground, I think— and I’d like you to do the telling, if you’re so inclined. (BEAT) I’m waiting.

VESPA: You probably know more about that “stars of the stream” stuff than me, most people do. Kings, though? No, they’ve been losing money steadily for a few years now. Croesus is- was\- making a lot of bad business decisions. Giving to charity, that kinda thing.

EOS: He’s gone soft, then.

VESPA: Soft’s an understatement. Started taking show ideas from anyone who’d talk to him. It’s why I’m here in the first place.

EOS: I don’t think a malevolent curse really cares much about whatever B-rate stream idea you gave them, darling. Even if it was something tasteless enough for them to sign off on.

VESPA: (SNORT) Look, last time I was here– sometime after I saved his son and before the concussion– he asked me what kind of shows someone like Vespa Ilkay watches. I told him “Nothing, I don’t watch any shows.” And when he wouldn’t take that for an answer, I said, “Y’know what? Right now I think I’d pay about ten thousand creds to watch you dig a hole and bury yourself in it.”

EOS: Now what does that have to do with the Mask?

VESPA: That’s how he found the Tomb. After he beat the shit out of me he brought a camera crew to the desert, dug a deep, deep hole, and jumped into an undiscovered Martian Tomb, with that dumb Death-Mask inside. Got good ratings, from what I heard.

Come on. Crime scene should be just up ahead.

EOS: Allow me, darling.

SOUND: FUTURE DOOR OPENING. 

VESPA: I can open a door, Atoll.

EOS: Of course you can, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a little chivalrous now does it? After all, my mother may have been as cruel and as strict as a Venusian Orchid Mantis, but if that woman taught me anything at all it was how to be polite. “Show your heart through your deeds,” and what have you.

VESPA: Keep your heart inside and I’ll do the same, Agent.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES BEHIND THEM.

EOS: What a charming little collection.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I don’t think “charming” was the word I’d use, but it certainly was something. Croesus had been killed in his art gallery, where Grim’s Mask was being kept. And he had a type.

EOS: Well. With so many death masks, sarcophagi, and various morbid little scraps of history he might as well have put up a big sign with “MEMENTO MORI” in neon lights. It certainly seems as if he set the stage for his own demise accordingly, even if he didn’t have a hand in the deed itself.

VESPA: Puh-lease. Snakes this rich never expect to die, period. They think their money makes them immortal. Not me, though. I’ll die in a cold ditch somewhere, just like everybody else.

EOS: Oh, please, Vespa. Don’t tell me you’re such a cynic that that’s the end you’ve dreamt up for yourself?

VESPA: Fine. A warm ditch, then. Happy?

EOS: (BEMUSED, BUT ALSO MORE GENUINE THAN WE’VE HEARD THUS FAR) You don't take anything seriously, do you?

VESPA: Not in this economy. Problem?

EOS: No, none at all. It's… admirable. Life could do with being handled with some levity, I think— though laughing in the face of adversity is a surefire way to get wrinkles, I’m afraid.

VESPA: Even if I was worried about that, I’m not really in the mood for laughs. This place gives me the creeps.

EOS: I thought you said you didn’t believe in curses, Detective. Has the skeptic had a sudden and inexplicable change of heart towards the superstitious?

VESPA: This isn’t about the stupid Mask, Atoll. Someone in this mansion wants me _dead_.

EOS: Not _dead_ , darling, but much worse. The literature suggests that the walking ghost of Grim keeps one’s consciousness alive in a state of semi-eternal torment—

VESPA: The literature can suggest whatever it wants, but ghosts have nothing to do with the case.

VOICE: (DEEP, ECHOING) **VESPA. ILKAY.**

VESPA: … Hm.

VOICE: **YOU’RE NEXT. VESPA. ILKAY.**

EOS: Charming.

SOUND: DOOR RATTLES BUT DOES NOT OPEN.

VESPA: Oh, for crying out loud-

VOICE: **TURN AROUND, VESPA ILKAY. YOUR TIME HAS COME, VESPA ILKAY. RAISE YOUR HANDS, VESPA ILKAY, OR I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN WHERE YOU STAND.**

EOS: (WHISPERED) Perhaps you should humor the poor thing, darling. I trust that you’re a competent detective, of course, but even the best of the best can’t do much when struck dead by a vengeful spirit— benefit of the doubt, and what have you.

VESPA: (TO EOS) Can it, Atoll. (SIGH. THEN, CALLING ACROSS THE ROOM) Alright, they’re up, they’re up. Mind coming out so I can see the ghost about to chat me to death?

VOICE: **SILENCE. NOW REPEAT AFTER ME. I, VESPA ILKAY, FORFEIT MY SOUL TO THE GREAT GRIMPOTHEUTHIS.**

VESPA: I, Vespa Ilkay, forfeit my soul to the great Grimpotheuthis.

VOICE: **AND I REALLY WISH I HAD CHECKED IN WITH MY OLD FRIENDS MORE BEFORE I DIED.**

EOS: Well. Certainly an interesting choice of verbiage, as far as threats from an Ancient Martian ghost go— very contemporary.

VOICE: **AND I ALSO REGRET THIS HAIRCUT, BECAUSE, WOW, I LOOK AWFUL.**

VESPA: Har.

VOICE: **SAY IIIIIITTTTTTTT.**

VESPA: Cass, I know it’s you. Just get the hell out here already!

CASSANDRA (THE VOICE): (A LONG LAUGH – THE EFFECT ON HER VOICE FADES AWAY) You never could take a joke, could you?

VESPA (NARRATOR): Cassandra Kanagawa had a style all her own— according to her lawyers, anyway. ‘Cept I knew better. We both went through the same acid-washed everything and serrated teeth phase in our 20s; she just never grew out of it.

Despite my better judgement, I still actually kind of liked her. She was a lot of fun.

But I had to keep reminding myself why I shouldn’t, because you can never trust a businessperson…

(TONE A LITTLE SOFTER HERE)

…especially if you like them.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS AS CASSANDRA APPROACHES VESPA AND EOS.

CASSANDRA: I figured you’d be shaking in your ten-cred shoes, so I thought I’d give you the warm Kanagawa welcome.

VESPA: (LAUGH) Real considerate.

CASSANDRA: And who’s Sunglasses over here?

EOS: My name is Agent Eos Atoll, Ms. Kanagawa. Pleasure to meet you.

CASSANDRA: Eos, huh? Wish I could say the same. (TO VESPA) Min told me you were on the way.

EOS: Min?

VESPA: Their stepmother. (TO CASSANDRA) Where is she, anyway? Expected to get her lukewarm Kanagawa welcome, to be honest.

CASSANDRA: Death of a family member comes with a lot of prep, Vee. Meetings with the actuary, the funeral director, the writers…

EOS: Writers?

CASSANDRA: Yeah, _writers_. Gotta figure out how we’re gonna spin this into a three-hour stream special, right? Milk the old man for everything he’s worth. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

VESPA: You always were sentimental, Cass. Mind leading us to the crime scene?

CASSANDRA: Aw, what’s the rush? It’s not like Dad’s _going_ anywhere.

SOUND: SUDDEN BANGING AND MECHANICAL NOISES BEHIND A WALL.

VESPA: Can you quit it with the bumps-in-the-night already?

CASSANDRA: Sorry, wasn’t me. All bumped out.

EOS: If I’m not mistaken, which I rarely am, it sounded like it was coming from that tomb.

VESPA: Get real Atoll, this is a gallery, not a graveyard. There’s no way Croesus fit a whole _tomb_ in here.

CASSANDRA: Don’t be stupid, of course he did. What do you call _that?_

VESPA: That thing? That’s just a… giant, expensive-looking stone door with the words “Rest in Peace” carved into it. Is all. We had that same door back at— y’know, I showed you.

CASSANDRA: That’s because you carved it there. This came in with the order.

SOUND: MONSTROUS GROAN.

VESPA: (YELPS)

SOUND: CLOTHES RUSTLING.

EOS: (NOT SOUNDING STARTLED OR SORRY AT ALL) Oh, that startled me. I apologize if I wrinkled your sleeve a bit, darling.

CASSANDRA: (SNORTS) Careful, Vee. Looks like the suit’s the clingy type.

VESPA: (HISSED) Shut up, Cass! (LOUDER, TO EOS) It’s uh, it’s fine, Agent. (TO CASS AGAIN) You aren’t even a little bit worried about that _._

CASSANDRA: Oh, no. Vespa. Of course I am. I bet it’s just a bunch of ghosts, all in a pile, making big spooky ghost faces! Boo! (LAUGHS) Come on, the noise can wait. Let’s go.

EOS: Allow me to get that door, darling.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

After you.

VESPA: Y’know, Atoll, it was barely cute the first time, so I don’t—

CASSANDRA: Oh, _barf_. Quit stalling. Dad’s right in here.

SOUND: THEY WALK THROUGH THE DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND CLOSES.

EOS: How… charming _._

CASSANDRA: Yeah, it’s… quite a scene.

VESPA: Used to blood. Still prefer it inside a body than out. You usually get my fan mail on your wall, Cass?

CASSANDRA: Don’t remind me. Curses and ghosts and whatever… too creepy.

EOS: “Creepy” indeed. Well, Ms. Kanagawa, do you mind if we conduct our investigation now? I’m afraid you’ll have to step back from the body so that Detective Ilkay can examine it.

VESPA: Why, you got somewhere to be?

EOS: It is your life on the line, Vespa; forgive me if I try to expedite the investigation. Are you afraid of a little blood, Detective?

VESPA (NARRATOR): You tend to get a handle on blood after your first year on forensics. Especially if you were an EMT before joining the force. So no, it wasn’t the blood I was afraid of. But Atoll wasn’t budging so before she could ask again, I snapped my gloves on, stepped around the blood as much as I could, and took a look inside the case.

There was something on Croesus’s face, but it didn't look like a mask. It was more like a big bronze folding chair crumpled up where his head was supposed to be. If there was still a face in there, it probably didn't look much like one anymore.

CASSANDRA: Find anything interesting?

VESPA: Want it in detail for the next Kanagawa horror special? With all my medical knowledge, I’m sure I could get it reaaaaaal gorey for ya, Cass.

EOS: You’ll have to tell her _after_ I leave the room, I’m afraid. I prefer my beauty sleep without the nightmares, thank you very much. Besides, you haven’t even pointed out the best part. Step aside, darling.

VESPA: H-hey, watch where you’re—

SOUND: CLANGING METAL. SOMETHING SNAPPING OPEN. DRIPPING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Suddenly the mask snapped open like an accordion. Whatever wore it looked like nothing I’ve ever seen, inside anatomy books and out— it had three little masks across three little heads, each with too many eyes and noses and mouths to count. As for Croesus… Well, the thing had split his one big head into three small ones, and it was ugly.

EOS: Grotesque, isn’t it? One can only imagine what the Ancient Martians’ skeletal structure was like, if they could split in this way— why, every one of them must have been a regular Geryon! (A LITTLE LAUGH (CLASSICS MAJOR RIGHTS FOR THE STUPID MYTH JOKE))

VESPA: (TOTALLY NOT AMUSED) You’re either grossed out or fascinated, which is it?

EOS: Why not both? I am, after all, a multi-faceted woman.

VESPA: Yeah? Interesting word choice there. I got a mask for you to try on, Agent Faces. Here, lemme get it for you.

EOS: Oh my, Detective, you shouldn’t have—

CASSANDRA: Oh, quit flirting and get out of there. Dad’s gonna roll over in his grave if you mess up his stupid trophy case.

VESPA: In case you haven’t noticed, Cass, this couldn’t get any messier.

CASSANDRA: Oh, _that_? That’ll come right out. This thing’s supposed to get blood on it.

VESPA: What.

EOS: She’s referring to the locks, Vespa— a set of two DNA-key locks, set to open only if the right genetic sample is placed within them, to be precise. Only the people with the correct DNA signatures could open this case. Unhackable, otherwise. Quite a clever system, if you’re willing to self-mutilate every time you want to take the Mask out for a spin.

VESPA: So, let me get this straight: anytime Croesus wanted to take the Mask out, he had to bleed all over both locks?

CASSANDRA: Not both. Dad wanted to make sure this thing was completely thief-proof, so he got two that have to be opened simultaneously. The left one was set to his DNA. The right was set to Cecil’s.

EOS: Yours as well then, hypothetically. You _are_ twins, correct?

VESPA: Pretty interesting detail to leave out there, Cass.

CASSANDRA: You keep looking at me like that and I’m gonna knock your eyes right out of your skull, Ilkay.

VESPA: Like what? This is how I look at all my exes who’ve got a fifty-fifty shot at being murderers.

CASSANDRA: You little—!

EOS: Ms. Kanagawa, dear, would it interrupt any of your family’s plans for mourning if I were to take the Mask? I have some readings I’d like to run on it.

CASSANDRA: … Whatever. Knock yourself out.

VESPA: Say hi to Croesus for me. (QUIETER) And, uh… thanks, Eos.

EOS: Any time, darling.

SOUND: EOS PUTS ON A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES.   
SOUND: SHE PUTS ON _ANOTHER_ PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES.  
SOUND: AND _ANOTHER_.

One can never be too careful, Vespa. Especially not when one has just recently gotten a manicure.

SOUND: EOS WALKS AWAY.

VESPA: (MUTTERING) Does she really need that many…? Nevermind. (CLEARS THROAT) Gotta admit, Cass, it’s kinda weird seeing your old man in there. Knew they’d call me in to investigate him one day, just not as the body.

CASSANDRA: Don’t count him out yet. Dad found a way to cheat everyone he ever met. Death’s got its work cut out for it.

SOUND: IN THE BACKGROUND, EOS INVESTIGATES THE CRIME SCENE WITH AN ASSORTMENT OF TOOLS AND GADGETS.

EOS: What a charming little polymer this is…

VESPA: If you don’t mind me saying, Cass, you don’t sound all that upset, which, granted, I can’t blame you for. But still, he cheat you recently or something?

CASSANDRA: No. No, he didn’t, actually. It’s just… it’s a lot easier if I pretend that he did.

EOS: Now, this should mean the makeup of the mask's material is transient, I think— which means that it can change at any moment and very quickly. How fascinating.

VESPA: So, what were you looking for when we first came in here?

CASSANDRA: What’re you talking about?

VESPA: When you stepped in through the door the first thing you did was look behind that plant. Not that hard to find Croesus, he’s right in front of my love-letter on the wall over there. So, that can’t be it.

EOS: Why, it wouldn’t take an inordinate amount of force at all, when it comes down to it. Quite the opposite, in fact. With one good push, the Mask could swallow its victim whole— (STOPS, THEN LAUGHS) I wonder if Grimpotheuthis and Mother ran in the same circles, considering her body count—

VESPA: Eos! Kind of in the middle of an interrogation over here!

EOS: (HAS THE GOOD GRACE TO SOUND AT LEAST A BIT EMBARRASSED) My, I’ve seemed to have forgotten myself for a moment, Detective. Apologies. I’ll just… bring the Mask over here, then.

CASSANDRA: Interrogation, huh? You haven’t changed a bit.

VESPA: Just trying to get the facts straight, Cass. You can lie to me as much as you want, but I’m gonna figure it all out eventually, and it’s not gonna look good if you start lying.

CASSANDRA: The hell happened to you, Vee? You used to be… I don’t know, fun.

VESPA: You and I might’ve called it fun, Cass, but I try to keep business and pleasure separate these days. Got a secretary to feed. (BEAT) Look, I’m not saying you killed him. But I am saying you’d better start talking if you wanna persuade me otherwise. And I do want you to. Honest.

SOUND: EOS’S GADGETS BEEPING.

EOS: Mhmm…

CASSANDRA: Look, what if I had an— an excuse? What’s the word you use?

VESPA: Alibi.

CASSANDRA: Yeah, that. I was out all night last night with my bodyguards and driver. The car has a time-stamped camera feed, too. Here, I’ll bring it up on my comms.

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

VESPA (NARRATOR): The footage looked about as suspicious as camera feed from a freeloading celebrity, which is to say that it wasn’t suspicious in the way I was looking for, just irritating.

Cassandra Kanagawa, lounging in a stretch limo with half-a-dozen bodyguards. It was a bit much, but I kept watching. She flipped forward two hours, and the stream showed her drinking in a bar with her chauffeur; another two hours, and she was shouting down some poor cashier; another two, and she was back in the limo.

Basic privileged bullshit, right on schedule. An alibi airtight enough to suffocate in.

CASSANDRA: That about clear me?

VESPA: Sorry, Cass, but the way I operate, not even I’m cleared until this case is closed. What’dya say about Cecil, though? Any bets on whether or not he's got an alibi of his own?

CASSANDRA: Cecil was here all night. Min grounded him.

VESPA: _Grounded_? You guys are like. Thirty.

CASSANDRA: That says a lot about either Cecil or Min, Vee. I’ll let you pick which.

VESPA: Jeez, what’s it take to get grounded in here? Killing a guy and not broadcasting it live?

CASSANDRA: Cecil’s been blowing through money like it’s for sale. He got the collectors’ bug real bad.

VESPA: For, like, holo-stamps or something?

CASSANDRA: Don’t be such a grandma, Vee. He’s been collecting old torture devices. Min keeps making him sell them back, but he’s grounded until he can control his wallet. Poor kid’s not gonna see the light of day until he’s ready to retire.

EOS: Well.

VESPA: I guess that’s some good news, anyway. Always thought the world’d be a little better with Cecil locked up. But— what were you doing last night, Cass? I haven’t seen you that upset with a cashier since they wouldn’t let you return that skirt you trashed back to Hot Topic.

CASSANDRA: They told me I didn’t need the receipt and—! (SIGH) Whatever, that doesn’t matter now. I was shopping around for interstellar haulers, if you gotta know.

VESPA: A spaceship?

CASSANDRA: (MOCKINGLY) “A spaceship?”

VESPA: (MILDLY IMPRESSED, GENUINELY CURIOUS) Is this it then? You’re finally gonna go for that big dream of yours?

CASSANDRA: You… remembered?

VESPA: (SOFTLY) Sounded like a hell of a show.

CASSANDRA: (OVERLY DEFENSIVE— THIS IS SOMETHING SHE CARES DEEPLY ABOUT) It isn’t gonna be a _show_. Cecil has shows. Dad had shows. This is gonna be _art_. Documentaries across every habitable planet in the galaxy! A project so big nobody’s ever even tried it before! I’m gonna show everyone—

VESPA: —How people really live. Show them there are places out there that aren’t like this city. Show them how many ways people have figured out how to be people.

CASSANDRA: That’s… yeah. That’s right.

VESPA: Last you told me he wouldn’t greenlight it. Said it’d never make any money, not by a long shot.

CASSANDRA: It still probably won’t. But… he changed his mind, I guess. We had enough in the budget for one new show, so Cecil and I were each going to pitch one. Cecil’s was good, too. Would’ve more than made up for all his stupid torture machines.

But… Dad could tell how much this meant to me. He told me… he told me I could… (BEAT) I think I’m done talking now.

VESPA: I get it, Cass. I do. But just one last question-

CASSANDRA: Do you not get what “done talking” means?

VESPA: What were you looking for in here?

CASSANDRA: I don’t need to answer that. You have my alibi, Vee. That’s enough.

VESPA: You say it’s enough, but that was literally my first question, and you’re still dodging it.

CASSANDRA: Trust me. There are some mysteries you don’t want to solve. Some things… some things are just personal.

VESPA: I’ve told you how this works. Personal or not, I need to make sure you’re 100% off the hook. If you could just-

CASSANDRA: If you want more from me, you’ll “100%” have to get a warrant. I’m done here.

VESPA: (LETTING UP, BUT STILL UNCONVINCED) Alright, alright, I’ll back off. For now.

CASSANDRA: Sure, Vee. I’ll see you later. Good luck with the whole death-curse thing.

SOUND: SHE STARTS WALKING AWAY.

VESPA: Hey, at least tell me where we’re supposed to find Cecil!

CASSANDRA: (STILL WALKING AWAY) He’s probably in his stupid workshop.

VESPA: You think I know where the hell that is?

CASSANDRA: Remember those creepy tomb doors in Dad’s collection?

VESPA: (UNDER HER BREATH) You’ve gotta be kidding me.

CASSANDRA: Have fun in there. Just be sure Cecil’s big machines don’t get you first. After all… there’s a monster on the loose. (SPOOKY NOISES AND LAUGHTER)

SOUND: DOORS CLOSING IN THE DISTANCE.

VESPA: Wow, I hate this family. Eos? You find anything over there?

EOS: Ah, did Ms. Kanagawa leave already? Well. That’s a pity; I wanted to ask her about these doors.

VESPA: What, are they “haunted,” or something?

EOS: No, I’m simply looking to remodel— my old exterior doors are Sher-synthwood, and frightfully out of fashion. But I digress; Shall we continue on, Vespa?

VESPA: You’re sure there’s nothing else over there? That was pretty quick.

EOS: As the old Dark Matters saying goes, darling, “Wait longer than seven hours, your chance of solving all but cowers”. (BEAT) My, I hadn’t really realized how terrible of a rhyme that adage truly was. Even so, the point still stands; we’ll have to keep moving.

VESPA: (UNIMPRESSED) Wow, hokey urban legends and deductive nursery rhymes? Dark Matters really has it all, huh. Back in the HCPD they always said twenty-four hours, and without all the poetic license.

EOS: That certainly explains a lot about the Martian crime and literacy rate, though what about them, I’m afraid I’m at an uncharacteristic loss for words. Shall we?

VESPA: Sure, Eos. Lead the way.

* * *

Scene: 3

VESPA (NARRATOR): I trudged back to that creepy tomb door. Not only was something big building in the back of my mind, I also kinda really didn’t want to know what torture-machines or stupid ghosts were lurking back there making that—

SOUND: AN OMINOUS ROAR. MYSTERIOUS CLICKING. 

… noise.

SOUND: TOMB DOOR CREAKING OPEN.

EOS: Well. I must say the inside of this doesn’t look like an abandoned tomb so much as an abandoned spaceship.

VESPA: You sound so disappointed.

EOS: Quite the contrary, Vespa. Some of the strongest paranormal activities have taken place in sunken ships. Space-pirates’ curses and alien specters and the like.

VESPA: You don’t really buy all that stuff, do you?

EOS: (CHARMING LITTLE LAUGH) If you’re talking about the alien specters and ghost pirates, then no. I may have a flair for the dramatic, and an interest in the occult, but what I truly believe in, darling, is the idea that there are things out there much larger than us, things beyond our comprehension. The universe is full of mysteries, I think— and I’d like to solve those mysteries one day. What the true essence of a dying will is, why even in death we seek to right wrongs done to us… (BEAT) …What strange force causes two strangers to become closer.

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING.

VESPA: (A LITTLE BIT RUSHED— SHE’S FLUSTERED, BUT POWERS THROUGH) No mystery to that last one, Eos. I hear you can buy it by the hour downtown so long as you have a valid form of ID on you.

EOS: (CHUCKLE, AND HER TONE RETURNS TO NORMAL) What’s got you so testy?

VESPA: I hear there’s a name for it, but I’m not one to self-diagnose. Plus psychiatrists give me the creeps.

EOS: Really, now. I do want to work with you, Vespa, but we’ll never get anything done if you won’t cooperate.

VESPA: Look, last time I did a case for the Kanagawas, I messed up? I did something really stupid, and they’ve wanted to get me for it ever since.

EOS: Dare I ask what you did?

VESPA: Not getting into that.

EOS: You’re worried that this is a trap, then.

VESPA: I thought that was obvious.

EOS: And it is. Almost too obvious, in fact— it’s clear that the Kanagawas have applied the theatricality they use for their stream specials to real life as well.

VESPA: Great. Really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, Eos. Thanks for that.

EOS: Happy to help, darling. Cassandra was far too willing to allow me to tamper with the crime scene; Min has invited you into her home and sent her daughter to you but she, herself, is nowhere to be found; absolutely everyone has been leading us here, to this hallway, with those horrible noises—

SOUND: ANOTHER OMINOUS ROAR, MYSTERIOUS CLICKING.

…case in point. It seems absolutely certain that they all want us to come _here,_ to where Cecil is— the only question is why.

VESPA: That assumes they’re coordinating, which, trust me, is not in the Kanagawas’ vocabulary.

SOUND: ANOTHER ROAR, SLIGHTLY LOUDER.

Does that sound like it’s getting closer to you?

EOS: If it’s all the same to you, darling, I’d rather not find out.

SOUND: HORRIBLE NOISE AGAIN, LOUDER.

VESPA: Damn it, there’s nowhere to hide!

EOS: I wouldn’t be so sure of that! Now, if I recall correctly…

SOUND: SQUEAKING? (THEY’RE RUBBER) AS EOS RUNS HER GLOVES ALONG THE WALLS.

VESPA: Atoll, is this really the time to be giving the wall a bloody paint job? Really, you could have at least taken off one of them.

EOS: Don’t be ridiculous, Vespa, I’m not risking this nail lacquer for anything. Besides, I’ll be just a moment—

SOUND: A CLICK! A DOOR OPENS.

Aha! Quickly, darling, in here.

VESPA: What in the…

EOS: Now!

SOUND: A BIG ROAR. SCREECHING. EOS PULLS VESPA IN. THE SECRET DOOR CLOSES, AND THE ROAR IS SLIGHTLY DROWNED OUT.

Well. That sounded like it was… very close.

VESPA: Speak for yourself. Couldn’t have picked a secret door with enough room for the both of us? I get that I’m not that big, but seriously, Atoll— (SNIFFS) Least it smells nice in here. I- (SNEEZES)

EOS: That would be my cologne, darling. Terribly sorry, is it that bad?

VESPA: No, no not- not at all. Uh, it’s… nice. Nose is just a little sensitive, is all.

EOS: Well. Glad to hear it. (BEAT) In regards to your question— a good Agent never goes into a job unprepared, and when I read about the Kanagawas’ reputation I took the precaution of memorizing the floor plan of their mansion. I’m sorry that I couldn’t find a space more comfortable for you, darling, but I’m afraid we weren’t spoiled for choice, now, were we?

VESPA: Y’don’t say.

EOS: You can tell a lot about the denizens of a building from its floor plan, I think- houses are much like the people within them. They all hold secrets, twists and turns and-

SOUND: GROSS ROAR NOISE. CLICKING. 

VESPA: … And giant screaming monsters, apparently. It sounds like it’s right outside. What the hell are we gonna do about it?

EOS: Oh, nothing at all.

VESPA: Wow, great, thanks. That magically got us out.

EOS: Don’t get snippy with me, Vespa; though it’s awfully endearing when you do, it doesn’t help the situation in the slightest. If we open this door, it will find us and likely kill us. If it opens this door, the very same. This may be difficult for an Investigator to swallow, but there are some things one should not Investigate.

VESPA: You’re not the first person today to tell me that.

EOS: Somehow I don’t exactly find that difficult to believe. Given all that, however, there’s nothing to be done but wait, hope that we don’t die, and hope even more that the creature leaves some evidence or ectoplasm behind to examine. And in the meantime… I’m much more interested in you, darling.

VESPA: Is now really the time?

EOS: No time like the present, by which I mean being trapped in a closet with an Ancient Martian nightmare outside. You’ve just implied that everyone has a monster lurking in the halls of their mind. If we’re going to rely on each other in this haunted mansion, is it so strange that I would be interested in what shapes your demons take?

VESPA: I’m a little more concerned about the shape of the demon that wants me dead, honestly.

EOS: Fair enough. Pardon me for changing the subject so abruptly, but you have a very interesting name. Vespa. Vespa. It sounds beautiful. What does it mean?

VESPA: (SCOFFS) Thanks, picked it myself. But the meaning isn’t anything special… I looked it up once, I think it turns out a Vespa’s some kind of grounded hoverscooter? Or something? Still sounds alright, all that baggage considered. How about Eos? What’s the reasoning there?

EOS: My mother, for all the time she spent in the darkness, was a very big fan of the dawn. A personification of the dawn, to be exact— Eos was a goddess worshipped by a people dead ten thousand years. To me, she represents the first hope of a new tomorrow. (LITTLE LAUGH) Though I suppose to my mother, she represented something a bit less… metaphorical, considering the reason she supplied for naming me thus was that the rising sun meant she wouldn’t have to deal with me while she was at work.

VESPA: I mean, it’s a lot fancier than a scooter, that’s for sure. You’re supposed to be “rosy-fingered”, though, not “rosy-haired,” if my memory of Terran Myth 101 is to be trusted, which, considering how long it’s been, it probably can’t be.

EOS: Why ever do you think I take such good care of my nails, Vespa? I have to earn the right to use the epithet, of course. But that’s besides the point— I’m impressed, darling. I didn’t take you for an appreciator of the classics, if I’m being perfectly honest. (BEAT) No offense, of course.

VESPA: None taken. Look, Eos, as nice as this name talk has been, we’ve wasted enough time already. That thing hasn’t made any noises in a while; might’ve found somebody else to eat.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

EOS: Vespa, I really would advise caution-!

VESPA: Looks like the coast’s clear. Let’s go.

EOS: …Well. So much for caution.

SOUND: A SERIES OF QUIET CLICKING NOISES PLAY – LIKE A CAMERA VIEWFINDER ZOOMING, OR PICTURES BEING TAKEN.

VESPA: Do you hear that?

EOS: Hear…

SOUND: THE MOTOR WHIRRING AND CLICKING BECOME LOUDER.

What in the world is that? It sounds so… familiar

VESPA: It might be… (QUIET GASP)

_Camera Men._

EOS: Well, if I had known there was going to be paparazzi, darling, I would have made sure at least to do my hair-

VESPA: (WITH A GROWL) This isn’t the time, Eos! (WHISPER) I need you to do two things for me. First: Above us. Look up. Slowly.

EOS: Vespa.

VESPA: Yeah?

EOS: Do my eyes deceive me, or is that a man with a camera for a head hanging from the ceiling.

VESPA: By a broad definition, yeah.

EOS: Glad to hear I’m not hallucinating, at least. And the second?

SOUND: MONSTER ROAR, THE SNAPSHOT OF A CAMERA.

VESPA: **_Run!_**

SOUND: THE CAMERA MAN DROPS FROM THE CEILING AND HITS THE GROUND. VESPA AND EOS RUN. THE CAMERA MAN CHASES. 

EOS: (RUNNING)What in the world is that thing!

VESPA: (RUNNING) It’s a Camera Man! One of Cecil’s genetic fucking engineering experiments! They’re molotov cocktails of every predator under the sun, but replace hands with grappling hooks and the head with the best cybernetic video camera money can buy!

EOS: You’ve seen these before and you didn’t recognize that _noise?_

SOUND: ROAR.

I do appreciate the demonstration, dear, but was it really necessary?!

VESPA: Would you have believed me? And sometimes you just have to repress the bad stuff. If you run into another one of these things next time, you’d have done the same.

SOUND: ROAR.

EOS: It’s gaining on us!

VESPA: Yeah, I can see that, thanks! Maybe think about coming up with an idea instead of shouting status updates like a goddamn—

EOS: Vespa, watch out!

VESPA: UGH!

SOUND: VESPA TRIPS AND HITS THE GROUND. THE CAMERA MAN STOPS, SNAPS SOME SHOTS, GROWLS QUIETLY.

EOS: It’s… stopped… how courteous.

VESPA: (PANTING, PICKING HERSELF UP) Great, I’ll just run face first into a few more floors and maybe it’ll start going backwards.

SOUND: CAMERA MAN SNIFFS THE AIR. GRUNTS. IT COMES CLOSER.

EOS: Wait a minute, Vespa. Why didn’t it ambush us while we were unprepared? Instead, we looked up at it and it wasn’t until we started running that it followed. Perhaps it doesn’t want to catch us.

SOUND: CAMERA MAN GROANS. CRASH. EOS AND VESPA DODGE. 

VESPA: Funny way of showing it. But good point, Eos. Why didn’t it just get us then? Or when I fell?

EOS: Perhaps it… was enjoying the show? Tad voyeuristic, if you ask me.

VESPA: That’s it!

SOUND: _SHINK_ OF A KNIFE. CAMERA MAN ROARS.

Quick, how good are you at improv?

EOS: (WITHOUT THINKING) Incredibly. How– Why are you asking?

VESPA: Good, here. Fight me.

EOS: Oh. Well.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Even in 6-inch heels and three sets of gloves, Eos knew her way around a knife. I’d say she was almost as good as I was, but I could see how her stance was too open, her swings too wide.

Then again, we were just play-acting.

VESPA: Towards that door! Duck!

EOS: Oh, come now, Detective. Don’t announce your movements. (GRUNTS AS SHE DUCKS ANYWAY)

SOUND: THE MONSTER STOPS CHASING THEM. ANOTHER CAMERA FLASH SOUNDS.

That was… Well, I suppose that was good television.

SOUND: THE CAMERA MAN GROWLS.

VESPA: (WINDED) Good television’s what it wants. Now you hit me. Quickly.

EOS: Well, if you insist…

SOUND: KNIFE GOING _SHING_! VESPA DODGES, BARELY.

VESPA: I said _hit_ me, not _stab_ me!

EOS: Oh, sorry, darling. Here.

VESPA: (WEAK GRUNT)

SOUND: CAMERA MAN ROARS.

Come on, are you kidding me? That was nothing!

EOS: Vespa, this is the strangest case…

VESPA: Hit me!

EOS: Ugh!

SOUND: ANOTHER PUNCH. EVEN MORE SNAPSHOTS.

VESPA: (WINDED) All right… Hit me again and move _closer_ to the door.

EOS: Are you sure _you_ shouldn’t hit _me_ —

VESPA: Just do it!

EOS: Ugh!

SOUND: ANOTHER PUNCH.

VESPA: Almost… there…

SOUND: DOOR OPENS. THE CAMERA MAN ROARS. DOOR CLOSES.

EOS: (PANTING) Well. That was… exhilarating.

VESPA: (PANTING) Glad you enjoyed it. I’m gonna… sit. For a sec.

EOS: Allow me to—

VESPA: I can get my own chair, Eos.

SOUND: VESPA WALKS OVER TO A CHAIR AND SITS DOWN. EOS SITS IN A CHAIR NEXT TO HER. 

Sorry. Just. Gimme a moment.

EOS: …Well. (BEAT) This mansion is certainly full of surprises.

VESPA: (GRUNT)

EOS: Perhaps it would be a good idea to try and figure out where we are— after all, I may have the floor plan memorized, but even my sharp eyes can’t see well in the dark. From the sound of it, this room is quite large. And these chairs are very strange, they don’t follow the rest of the mansion’s decor whatsoever. Not to say that furniture can’t change style from room to room, but…

Oh.

VESPA: (TIRED) What now?

EOS: If I recall correctly, didn’t Cassandra say that Cecil had recently taken up collecting vintage torture devices?

VESPA: Well, yeah, but Min made him sell ‘em off.

EOS: I don’t know how to break this to you darling, but I’m afraid these chairs are-

SOUND: A METALLIC CLINK.

VESPA: The fuck?!

EOS: These bars… it seems the chairs have locked us in place.

VESPA: Thank you, Captain Obvious, didn’t spot that. Fuckin’—

SOUND: LIGHTS CLICK ON WITH AN ECHO. DRUMROLL. 

CECIL: (DISTANT AND BOOMING) _Esteemed visitors… elders and gentlechildren… human beings from across the span of age and space!_

MUSIC: STARTS.

VESPA: Oh god damn it.

CECIL: _Tonight, for your viewing pleasure: a Private Investigator and a Special Agent, two experts of the quick escape, will attempt the most deadly feat to ever air on-stream!_

EOS: Excuse me?

CECIL: _They’ve avoided the beast of the halls… they’ve avoided my mother… but can they avoid… The Throne of Spinning Blades!_

SOUND: THE REVVING OF METAL BLADES.

EOS AND VESPA: (YELL)

CECIL: _Brought to you by the Kanagawa Corporation, this is… Cecil Kanagawa’s **From the Jaws of Death!**_ (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) _Hello there, Bumblevee. Remember me?_

VESPA (NARRATOR): Did I remember Cecil Kanagawa? I wish I didn’t. Because if Eos was right and everyone’s mind is like a building with monsters inside, let’s call Cecil’s mind a demons’ apartment complex, with room after room of narcissism and sadism and all the –isms that should have guaranteed him a lot of professional help. Instead, it got him the most popular entertainment network on Mars.

EOS: (WHISPER) Do you have a plan, Vespa?

CECIL: _Camera Men! It’s showtime!_

VESPA (NARRATOR): In the light of the room I could see them now, half-a-dozen Camera Men clambering up onto all those torture machines in Cecil’s stupid studio. Every single one of their lenses were trained on us.

EOS: Vespa, can you hear me?

VESPA: Loud and clear. Only one thing we can do, Eos: smile for the camera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we part, we would like to thank our betas as well the people who lent their voices in the liveread of this part of the fic (yes, us included. SJ is actually quite proud of what we did in and out of the document):  
> \- [Danny](https://twitter.com/ghostzvne) as Vespa Ilkay;  
> \- [North](https://twitter.com/northisnotup) as Sasha Wire;  
> \- [Jeannette](https://twitter.com/entropyre) as Buddy Aurinko;  
> \- [SJ](https://twitter.com/stubborn_jerk) as Cassandra and Cecil Kanagawa;  
> \- [Jax](https://twitter.com/jaxildan) as Jet Sikuliaq; and  
> \- [Sameer](https://twitter.com/mangocltrus) as our designated foley work extraordinaire.
> 
> They're all very lovely and talented people and were incredibly supportive in the process of this. Thank you very much.
> 
> Tune in next week for the finale of our tale!


	2. 3M3M Part Two: Electric Boogaloo!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the hunt for a crime boss's murderer, Detective Vespa Ilkay and Agent Eos Atoll have ended up somewhere very peculiar: a game show.
> 
> Well, it should be peculiar. But in the house of the Kanagawas, Hyperion City's premier crime-family-slash-entertainment-network, nothing is peculiar so long as it's caught on camera. In the eyes of a camera you can sell anything: a mad genius's horrific game show; an ancient death mask that kills whoever disturbs it; and even, strangest of all, a Detective and Special Agent who really think they have a shot at surviving this mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s that? Locked yourself out of the room? 
> 
> Oh, Traveler, we apologize for any undue stress. We’ll bring you there in just a moment. Your room was V33, correct? 
> 
> We really do apologize. If you need anything else, please, tell us in the comments. We think they’re still in. Here we are then. Room V33.

Scene: 1

CECIL: That’s it… thaaaaaat’s it! Hold still just a moment longer, Bumblevee; you should never underestimate the value of the makeup department.

VESPA: (COUGHING) Is this powdered cyanide again?!

CECIL: Only mostly. When did you get so delicate, Vespa? (LAUGHING) You next, Agent. Breathe deeply, please. We’ll be adding your pulse in post.

VESPA (NARRATOR): A galaxy of bulbs hot as tiny suns surrounded us. In the distance: half-a-dozen Camera Men, their lenses flashing, their hulking, mutated chests heaving as they watched.

The most dangerous thing in the room was the chair I was tied to: the Throne of Spinning Blades, set to Spinning Blade our heads off as well as the rest of us for good measure.

So, the investigation was going pretty stellar so far.

EOS: (COUGHING) My, that is a potent blend. I take it this isn’t cruelty free?

CECIL: Quite the opposite! And it’s the very best on the market. I should know, Agent: I invented it!

VESPA: This isn’t gonna work out well for you, Cecil—

SOUND: WHIRRING MOTOR NOISE.

The fuck is that?

CECIL: Lip stain, Bumblevee. Pucker up.

VESPA: Hey, back off, you— ugh!

VESPA (NARRATOR): The man smearing neurotoxins on my face was Cecil Kanagawa. Guy was famous for a bunch of shit I don’t really care about— Cass didn’t really like bringing up his shows and I never asked. From what I was forced-fed via cultural osmosis, though, he was the natural conclusion that came from giving a bored genius a spotlight and a near-unlimited budget.

When I got out of this chair, he was going to be a bruised and aching genius instead.

CECIL: Be sure to look to the cameras, friends, or we might have to do a second take. Recording a pilot live is a fool’s game. You never know what might go wrong.

EOS: I take it you’re not filming in advance out of concern for our safety? Just in case we get hurt?

CECIL: (CACKLING) No, no, no. I’m filming it just in case one of you isn’t hurt. There. All done, Bumblevee. Here, take a look at yourself.

VESPA: Would it kill you to ask for proper consent for once— wait, actually, that color looks pretty sick.

CECIL: Of course it does. I’ve never been wrong before. (LAUGHING)

VESPA: First time for everything. Unchain me or else I’m taking more than your stupid fucking confession.

CECIL: Oh? A confession of what, Bumblevee?

VESPA: You know what I mean! You were grounded here last night so you were the only one that could open that case. This is your last warning, twerp. If you let me go, I won’t even saw your other arm off—

CECIL: My, you do go on, don’t you? I have no idea what you mean, Bumblevee. You’re much more cooperative, Agent. I might have to keep you around after all.

EOS: I try my best, Mr. Kanagawa.

CECIL: Well, ladies, it’s just about time to start the show. Good luck. And remember: we’re making people smile out there. It does your heart good to think of that, doesn’t it?

VESPA: The only good my heart is doing right now is raising my blood pressure. I saved your fucking life!

CECIL: You did. And you even gave me a reason to get this special arm of mine. And now I’m thanking you for all the good you’ve done for me the only way I know how: I’m making you a star, baby. (FADING LAUGHTER)

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSING. 

VESPA: Oh, he’s dead.

EOS: On the contrary, Detective, you are. Cecil said he wanted to keep me around.

VESPA: (SINGSONG) He didn’t say alive.

EOS: …Well. That changes things a bit.

CECIL (OVER INTERCOM): _Places, Camera Men! Filming begins in one minute!_

EOS: Vespa, would you mind shifting slightly? I would rather the cameras didn’t catch my face.

VESPA: I’m not exactly thrilled about it either, Eos. Clients aren’t going to be paying a Public Eye, why’d you think I left the force?

EOS: Well, how do you think Dark Matters would feel about a Secret Agent who can’t stay a secret?

VESPA: Look, if you want to keep your face hidden that badly, we’ve got to take down these Camera Men, or take care of that transmitter in Cecil’s bionic arm. Either way, the moment I leave this chair, he’s getting it, which will make me happy.

EOS: That might just be our best move. Do you have a blaster on you?

VESPA: Don’t need one.

EOS: What.

VESPA: That’s what the knives are for. You still have yours, right?

EOS: Well, yes, but-

VESPA: They took my sheaths away, most of them are over by the door.

EOS: Well then. We’ll just have to get creative, won’t we?

MUSIC: [A REMIX OF WONDERLAND ROUND 3 AND AXEL F...](https://soundcloud.com/buttons-971839540/it-couldve-been-great-it-couldve-been/s-s4AS2oMQxoT)

What in the world?

VESPA: I think the show’s about to start.

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _Welcome back, viewers! This is From the Jaws of Death, and I am your host, Cecil Kanagawa! But of course, who doesn’t know me?_ (LAUGHING)

SOUND: A LAUGH TRACK, DISTORTED AND DISTANT. 

_Now, let’s meet our contestants, shall we?_

SOUND: RECORDING OF CROWD CHEERING. 

_In chair number one: Eos Atoll! She’s a Special Agent with Dark Matters, viewers… but our talented team of researchers could find nothing else on her! Not a thing! Can this woman who appeared without a trace vanish without one, too?_

VESPA: Impressive, Atoll. No record at all?

EOS: Of course not. Dark Matters scrubs them for you.

VESPA: Hm.

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _And in chair number two: Vespa Ilkay, Private Eye. Detective Ilkay has lost just about everything: her father, her career, and even most of her friends. And now she’s gone and taken a charity case harboring the infamous Unnatural Disaster!_

SOUND: RECORDING OF AUDIENCE GASPING.

_Doesn’t her kindness just tear your heart out?_

EOS: The Unnatural Disaster? Vespa-

VESPA: _Don’t say anything._

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _There’s only one question we have about Detective Ilkay tonight, viewers: will she fight through the tears and live for her notorious criminal friend… or does the fight for the Outer Rim end tonight? Let’s find out!_

_Now, here are the rules: Detective Ilkay and Agent Atoll are chained, back-to-back, in the Throne of Spinning Blades._ _This classic piece dates back to the Fascist Renaissance of the twenty-first century, friends, and the Detective and the Agent better watch out: those blades are made of genuine venom-brass, and boy, are they sharp!_

SOUND: RECORDING OF CROWD CHEERING AGAIN.

_Our contestants will have five minutes to escape before the Spinning Blades drop onto them… but there is a twist._

VESPA: Of course there is.

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _The chain that binds them together is also affixed to a gear in the Throne’s bladeworks. Should they pull too hard, they will hear this noise…_

SOUND: A CLICK, THEN A SOUND LIKE A REVVING MOTOR.

_… and the blades above them will descend, inch by fatal inch! So don’t struggle too much, ladies: this could be a hell of a haircut._ (LAUGHING)

SOUND: AUDIENCE LAUGH TRACK.

_Well, contestants? Are you ready?_

VESPA: No.

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _Good! You have five minutes to escape…_ (WITH AN IMAGINARY NIGHTMARE GAME SHOW CROWD) _**From the Jaws of Death**! Starting… now!_

EOS: You people on Mars really take your entertainment seriously, don’t you?

VESPA: Well, cooperate and maybe you’ll live to catch the rerun. Got any plans?

EOS: Pulling on the chain is a non-starter. We’ll have to cut it.

VESPA: But— Hold on, I think I might have something for that.

VESPA (NARRATOR): The old man might have been a two-cred piece of shit, but the one good thing he did for me was force me to join the Scouts when I was a kid. Ever since one very unfortunate mugging years later, I was convinced to never leave my apartment without a money clip and a ten-cred plasma-blade box cutter up my sleeve. I untied the threads that held it in place and pulled the cutter out.

EOS: What is that? I can’t see.

VESPA: Doesn’t matter. Just stay still.

EOS: But—

VESPA: Stay. Still.

SOUND: LOW HUM OF THE PLASMA CUTTER.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I twisted it in my fingers slowly. A single twitch and that thing would be down by our feet, and then we'd be six feet under that. I pushed the blade against the chain.

SOUND: JANGLING OF THE CHAINS.

VESPA: Damn it… it won’t cut through!

EOS: Careful where you put that, Vespa.

VESPA: Careful as I can be.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Normally I’d have a better handle on anything shaped even vaguely like a knife even without looking, but there was a venomous blade swinging overhead and a man I wanted to beat up so bad that my hands were trembling.

I probably should have warned her, but my jaw was clenched too tight with concentration. Maybe if I had she would have been more prepared for when I slipped.

SOUND: EOS HISSING, THEN A CLICK - THE SOUND OF THE BLADES DESCENDING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): She pulled away her hand… and the plasma cutter along with it.

SOUND: CHAINS JANGLING, A LEVER BEING PULLED. 

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _Our first yank of the chain! Come on now, girls, you aren’t going to end the show that quickly, are you?_ (LAUGHING)

SOUND: CROWD BOOS.

VESPA: Oh, shut up! You’re the reason there’s nothing good on TV anymore!

EOS: You don’t even watch television, darling.

VESPA: Shut up, Eos!

EOS: Can you reach that cutter you just dropped?

VESPA: Sure, if you don’t mind wearing that blender above us for a hat.

EOS: Well, I’d rather not do this, but… check my coat pockets. They're too far from my hands for me to reach, but you should be able to access them. Just be careful. Who knows what you'll find.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Atoll wasn't kidding. She kept more per pound in those pockets than most kangaroos. Pens, keys, cards, tubes of lipstick…

VESPA: Ow!

EOS: Oh, what now?

VESPA: Do you keep broken glass in your pockets? Something just pricked me!

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _Only two minutes remain! What do you say, viewers? Should we make this a little more… interesting?_

SOUND: CHEERS.

_That’s what I thought! Camera Men! Go and give that chain a little tug, won’t you? Ha ha!_

EOS: There’s no time! Keep looking!

VESPA (NARRATOR): So I kept looking. A bottle of nail polish, a dozen loose breath mints. I finally found it underneath a whole 16oz bottle of cognac: a heavy-duty plasma cutter.

VESPA: Would've been nice to know about this before!

EOS: You said you had it under control. Just cut the chain!

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _While we wait to see it in action, here are a few interesting facts about the **Throne of Spinning Blades** …_

SOUND: SIZZLING.

_… invented in the year 2089 by Doctor Gustav Hopperman, the Throne was originally intended as a response to the guillotine, which Hopperman called, “an overly clean device…_

SOUND: CHAIN SNAP. ANOTHER SIZZLE.

VESPA: That’s one.

EOS: Quickly, darling! The Camera Men are coming closer!

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _“… better suited to the operating-room than the public execution.” What a card! I’m sure Hopperman would be delighted to see these two…_

SOUND: SIZZLE, AND ANOTHER CHAIN SNAP.

_… escape from my device?! How?!_

VESPA: That’s it! Go, go!

SOUND: THEY BOTH HIT THE GROUND, CLICKING AS GEARS TURN AND THE SPINNING BLADES FALL.

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): This is… no! Camera Men! Get them back in those chairs! We’ll edit this out later!

VESPA: Eos, catch!

EOS: Do not throw that plasma cutter at me unless you—

SOUND: SOMETHING LANDING IN HER PALM.

Oh.

VESPA: I’m getting my knives back!

EOS: How? Those things are in the way!

VESPA: Just- you take one, I can figure out the other. (TO A CAMERA MAN) Come on, big guy! I’m ready for my closeup!

VESPA (NARRATOR): Two Camera Men barreled towards us, all bulging muscles and twitching lenses. One of them headed for Eos but didn’t last long: just one flick of the wrist and Atoll had carved the mutant a clean set of gills.

It was obvious where the arteries on that thing was, so Eos made quite the mess. Lucky for me, cuz the other one loved the stuff… which meant he was too distracted to look at me when I grabbed him by the shoulders and roared, flinging him into the Throne of Spinning Blades.

SOUND: A THUD AS THE CAMERA MAN HITS THE CHAIR. 

VESPA: Eos! Pull the chain!

EOS: With pleasure!

SOUND: ANOTHER CLICK AS THE BLADES DESCEND. A MOTOR REVS. BLOOD SPURTING AS CAMERA MAN SCREECHES AND ROARS.

CECIL (ANNOUNCER): _No! Camera Men, get them, seize them!_

EOS: Vespa, Cecil is getting away!

VESPA: Save the best for last, Eos. Hold the Camera Men back while I go for my knives!

SOUND: BLADES WHIRRING, CAMERA MAN SCREECHING IN THE BACKGROUND.

VESPA (NARRATOR): They were across the room, on the other side of a herd of Brazen Bulls. I got to it quickly… but, looking at the monster clinging to the wall, I apparently wasn’t the only one who had that idea.

VESPA: Hey there. Looking to take a few good shots?

SOUND: KNIFE BEING THROWN AND LANDING WITH A CRUNCH.

Me too.

EOS: Some assistance, please!

VESPA: Right on it! Duck!

SOUND: MORE KNIVES BEING THROWN AND SOME LIQUIDS SPURTING OUT (EW).

EOS: (BREATHLESSLY) That was… really something. Wherever did you manage to sequester the rest of those knives away?

VESPA: I have a lot of pockets.

EOS: How could you aim so perfectly—

VESPA: Yeah, I’m amazing, you’ve never seen anything like me, I’ve heard it all before. You’re welcome. If you’re going to keep the compliments coming, I still have someone else to maim.

EOS: (CLEARS THROAT) Right, Cecil. He just ran into that copse of trees. Stay vigilant, there’s no telling what kinds of tricks he has planned in there.

VESPA (NARRATOR): _I_ should have known what kinds of tricks he had planned in there. I’ve had to before. And that meant as soon as I saw the camera hanging from the first tree in that forest I should’ve known that Cecil would be behind the second tree.

SOUND: CAMERA SHUTTERS.

CECIL: Surprise, Agent! Let’s see you keep this a secret!

SOUND: THE SHINK! OF A BLADE.

VESPA (NARRATOR): A line of nasty-looking titanium spikes were sticking out from Cecil’s bionic fist – heading straight for Eos’s head.

I pushed Atoll out of the way and raised my arm.

CECIL: Ha!

SOUND: METAL BLADES PIERCING FLESH.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I always was a good catch.

VESPA: Ugh!

CECIL: Damn you, Bumblevee… ! My hand is stuck!

SOUND: PUNCH AFTER PUNCH AFTER PUNCH.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Not the face! Ah!

VESPA (NARRATOR): I punched Cecil for a while. It was pretty great.

Then, after about a dozen auditions as my speed bag, the twerp finally hit the floor… and his claw passed out of my arm.

VESPA: (GASP)

EOS: Well. It appears your show has been canceled, Mr. Kanagawa.

SOUND: EOS STEPPING ON CECIL’S THROAT. CECIL CHOKES.

And unless you’d like me to press my stiletto down a little harder on your just impossibly skinny throat, you’re going to cooperate while Detective Ilkay takes care of your recording operation, understood?

SOUND: VARIOUS BEEPS BEFORE A FINAL HISS.

Very good.

CECIL: Hey! You have no idea how much that cost, you—

VESPA: Quit whining. I didn’t even break it. I just fucked with the settings and took a little something.

CECIL: Well… well, could you? It would be exactly the kind of thing to bump us up in the ratings.

VESPA: Enough showbiz talk, Cecil. Your dad’s dead and I would like to have your confession on record before I lose too much blood.

CECIL: Wh… what did you say? Get off me, get off me! (COUGHING) What was that about Daddy?

VESPA: Oh, don’t play dumb.

EOS: Your father is dead, Cecil. You did know that, didn’t you?

CECIL: Daddy… Daddums… Papa is dead? (SOBBING)

EOS: Vespa… do these seem like crocodile tears to you?

VESPA: Could _you_ tell?

CECIL: W-when did it happen? Where? What was it? It was his heart, wasn’t it? He forgot his medicine, didn’t he? Oh, he was always shouting, oh, Diddles, Diddy-Doo, Peepaw, Da-Da—

EOS: Detective Ilkay and I are here to investigate the murder of your father, Cecil. Why did you think we were here?

CECIL: I thought Bumblevee was finally going to be on my shoooooooooooow…

VESPA: Oh, give me a goddamn break. You wanted revenge and we both know it.

CECIL: Revenge? Never! Why, Bumblevee, you’re my closest friend! Well, second-closest, after… (SNIFFLING) after… Daddy…

VESPA: Nope, nuh-uh, no way. The last time I was on one of your stupid shows you lost your arm!

CECIL: And the ratings were glorious! Yes, so I admit, designing a program around the premise that I had been kidnapped by mobsters was not very safe. And of course, it was even less safe to hire real mobsters to fit the roles.

But you were amazing, Bumblevee, a real star! If it weren’t for that sticky clause in your contract that prevented us from using your face or name, you’d be on every billboard in Hyperion City! People have been begging to know who you are! So when Min told me that you and Agent Atoll were coming, I assumed—

EOS: Your stepmother? But if she told you that, then she knew—

VESPA: Hold it, Atoll. Don’t give it away just yet.

EOS: …Right.

CECIL: She came by with some scheduling papers this morning, but I asked her to sign them for me, she can do our signatures well so I didn’t think it was important, and I didn’t listen… Or maybe she didn’t say… But I just didn’t knooooooow…

VESPA: Alright, Cecil. Let’s say you really didn’t know and didn’t kill Croesus.

CECIL: Daddyyyyyyyy!!

VESPA: Yeah, that guy. There’s a lot of evidence that doesn’t line up if that’s the case. Like the case.

EOS: The one your father kept the Mask of Grimpotheuthis in.

CECIL: What about it?

VESPA: It was open. And you and your dad were the only ones here who could’ve opened it last night.

VESPA (NARRATOR): It might have been the blood loss, but the look of confusion that crept onto Cecil’s swollen face sent me reeling. Then, it wasn’t the blood loss because suddenly I was making connections. Twins and interesting details to leave out and schedules in Croesus’ gallery.

I hadn’t been kidding when I said no one was cleared, not even me, not with the way I operate. So when Cecil opened his big stupid mouth and said:

CECIL: What? I couldn’t have opened that case last night. I wasn’t even _in_ the mansion.

VESPA (NARRATOR): All I had to say in return was:

VESPA: …Shit.

CECIL: Oh, you must be talking about the footage! You flatter me. I knew my disguise was good, but to slip past Bumblevee Ilkay, Private Eye—

EOS: Disguise?

CECIL: You saw Cassandra leave the mansion, didn’t you? Thought you saw, I should say. We’ve been doing that for years, ladies. One of the many perks of having a twin.

VESPA: (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Yeah. I know.

CECIL: (IGNORING HER) It became a little more difficult when I lost my arm, but that’s nothing a little latex and some spray-paint can’t fix. Here, watch the footage on my co—

VESPA: I don’t wanna see it.

CECIL: Here, Agent.

SOUND: COMMS BEEPING.

EOS: …Vespa?

CECIL: Very convincing, isn’t it? Cassandra does the prosthetics very well. If you look closely enough you’ll see that I even took over a few episodes of her shows for her – so that she could plan those silly documentaries.

VESPA: (GRUMBLING) God, if it wasn’t for that stupid fucking case.

CECIL: The case… Daddums!

EOS: …Vespa? Are you alright?

VESPA: Shouldn’t even be surprised. Nothing ever goes right with this stupid family. And Cass was right. There are some mysteries I really don’t want to solve.

EOS: I… suppose so. Should I… call the HCPD for Cecil, now?

VESPA: Don’t bother. We probably signed a liability agreement on our way in through the door. Right, Cecil?

CECIL: (BAWLING) Of course you diiiiiiiiiid!

VESPA: Let’s just go, Eos. I’m so sick of this family I feel like I’m gonna pass out.

EOS: That may be the blood loss talking, Vespa.

CECIL: Bumblevee, on your way out, could you just make sure that camera up there is facing me? I need it to catch my makeup running. Vespa? Agent Atoll?

VESPA: Yeah, no duh it’s the blood loss. Does your super secret Agent privileges give you locations for every first aid kit in the mansion too or is it just for walls?

EOS: I… Alright, Cassandra can wait.

CECIL: Bumbleveeeeeeeeeeeee! Wah!!

Scene: 2

VESPA (NARRATOR): I barely made it two steps out of that creepy hallway when my legs decided it just wasn’t worth it anymore. Luckily, Eos got to me before the floor did.

SOUND: A SOFT THUMP AS VESPA FALLS INTO AGENT ATOLL.

EOS: Vespa! Careful, darling. Are you alright?

VESPA: No.

EOS: Why don’t you sit for a moment? I’ll look for a first aid kit. Just don’t move, is that understood?

VESPA: I’m not a child, Atoll. I know what to do when there’s more blood out of my body than normal. Go.

EOS: I’ll be right back.

VESPA (NARRATOR): My vision sat still long enough for me to watch Eos leave. I could feel my temper sinking back down to a steady simmer as I took a few breaths. Then I got on the comms, sent something over, and waited. There was a lead I needed to follow up on.

About a minute later I got the call back.

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

VESPA: Took you longer than I expected.

JET: My apologies. It was a lot to sort through. It is not every day that our computers have to handle this much raw f—

VESPA: Sikuliaq, I’ve got no time and even less blood. What’d you find?

JET: It is exactly what you thought.

VESPA: I was afraid you’d say that.

JET: I was under the assumption, from what you’ve told me, that she was not that kind of person. So I am glad to see we were correct but—

VESPA: Shh. No need to say what we’re both thinking.

JET: Why are we speaking so vaguely? Is… Is your comms on loud speaker?

VESPA: Worse. There are entertainment executives around.

JET: (WHISPERING) I will keep my voice low, then.

VESPA: What? I can’t hear—

JET: (LOUDLY) I SAID I WILL KEEP MY VOICE LOW, THEN.

VESPA: … Sure. Jet, I need you to do a little more research for me.

JET: (WHISPERING) In a moment. This stream has five minutes left.

VESPA: What? I couldn’t— Oh, just make it quick! I need you to find whatever you can on—Nevermind. Gotta go.

JET: Jet out.

SOUND: COMMS BEEP. APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS.

EOS: Are you alright, Vespa? It sounded like you were talking to yourself.

VESPA: Just calling my secretary. Making sure my will’s in order.

EOS: You won’t be dying here today, darling. Nurse Atoll has everything you need for a successful operation. Stitches, disinfectant, hacksaw, bionic arm…

VESPA: Not funny.

EOS: What’s the matter, Vespa? You’ve never played doctor before?

VESPA: I’ve been one. Drop it.

EOS: Testy, testy…

VESPA: You would be too if you got the spikes to the face instead.

SOUND: FIRST AID KIT OPENING. THE CLATTERING OF WHAT’S INSIDE AS VESPA SIFTS THROUGH IT. 

EOS: So… What do you make of this case?

VESPA: (IN PAIN) Well, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? She’s the only one who could’ve opened the case. She was here last night. She lied about it.

EOS: You and I both know that we’re not satisfied with that answer.

VESPA: I’m not. There’s something else going on here. At least one something. Damn it, I just gotta figure out—

EOS: Don’t overexert yourself. We still have time.

SOUND: RUSTLING. DISINFECTANT BEING POURED ONTO CLOTH, RUBBED OVER VESPA’S WOUNDS. VESPA HISSES QUIETLY AS SHE DOES.

Vespa… about your secretary…

VESPA: (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Don’t.

EOS: I apologize if it feels like I’m prying, I… I really am just curious.

VESPA: (HISSING AS SHE CLEANS HER WOUNDS THEN, TIRED) Look, Eos… I grew up here, I know how shit works in Hyperion.

EOS: … And?

VESPA: And that wasn’t always the case. The old man and I moved here from the Outer Rim just a few years before… y’know. And I saw a lot of other families torn apart and trying to start fresh like we were. So if anyone else needs that kind of refuge and asks it of me, I’m not gonna turn ‘em down.

EOS: I… apologize, Vespa. I really didn’t…

VESPA: I’m not telling you for pity points. I’m telling you so you won’t ask me any more questions about me or my secretary. Just drop it, alright? It’s done. It’s over. Dark Matters has done enough for one day.

SOUND: A SEWING MACHINE?

EOS: Of course, darling. If that’s what you’d like. Oh, let me get that for you while you-

SOUND: THERE’S A _SNICK_ OF A THREAD BEING CUT. THE FIRST AID KIT BEING ZIPPED SHUT.

VESPA: (AGAIN, THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Done.

EOS: Well! That was… fast.

VESPA: I do this a lot more than I’m comfortable with so, yeah. (BEAT) Hey, uh, Eos?

EOS: Yes, Vespa?

VESPA: Where are you going? After this case, I mean.

EOS: Oh. (CLEARS THROAT) Well, Dark Matters never keeps me in one place for very long, I’m afraid. As soon as the curse on Grim’s Mask has been disproven I’ll be off on the interstellar breeze, after some other imaginary spirit on some other planet. Why do you ask?

That wasn’t an invitation, was it? (CHARMING LITTLE LAUGH)

VESPA: Don’t read too much into it.

EOS: I’ll set aside my literary analysis for now, Detective— we still have this case, after all. Who knows what we’ll tangle ourselves up in, before the day is done?

VESPA: Y-yeah. Still have a few leads to follow.

EOS: Min, for example. She seems to be the name on everyone’s lips today, doesn’t she? And yet she’s nowhere to be found.

VESPA: Right. Something’s going on there.

EOS: Do you think she killed Croesus?

VESPA: No. Big messy death like that… not her style. She’s Croesus’s second wife, and there’s good money on the theory that she opened that position herself- Cass and I have a bet going on with her lawyers. But that job was so clean it took five experts just to prove the woman was dead.

EOS: Then what ever could she be up to?

VESPA: I don’t know. So we’ve got to find her. Ask her a few questions And so long as we’ve got time on our side we’ll get to the bottom of it.

Right, Agent?

EOS: Right, Detective.

VESPA: Good.

Yeah, I think we will. I think we will…

VOICE: (THROUGH A CLOSED DOOR) Help!

EOS: I sincerely hope that isn’t what I think it is.

VESPA: It came from the Mask’s display room. Come on! And get your knife ready!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS AND PANTING THEY RUN. 

VOICE: Help! Help!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS. 

CASSANDRA: Where the hell is it, Min? I know you have it!

MIN (THE VOICE): Cassandra, I have no idea what you’re talking—

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES. 

CASSANDRA: Vespa! God damn it, you always have the worst timing!

VESPA (NARRATOR): “So long as we have time,” I said. I had to open my big, stupid mouth, didn’t I?

Cassandra stood by the Mask’s case, gun in her hand and wildfire in her eyes. She looked scared enough to do something stupid and I believed it, even if I was mad at her for lying.

Closer by: Min Kanagawa, the shadow behind the Kanagawa empire, looking cold and smart and scared, but not nearly scared enough. Only Min could still look like she ruled the world with a trillion volts of laser fire pointed right between her eyes.

Looking at the scene, I wasn’t doing too hot either. It was like Atoll’s soft words in the hall were enough for it to dawn on me that only one Kanagawa in this room had all the answers and that I was too late to stop the boulder from rolling back down the hill.

Beyond it all was that message on the wall, written in blood: “YOU’RE NEXT, VESPA ILKAY.” And hey, the day wasn’t over yet. Maybe it’d come true after all.

MIN: Detective Ilkay! It’s lovely to see you again.

VESPA: (WITH A GROWL) Min.

EOS: How do you do, Mrs. Kanagawa. I’m Special Agent Eos Atoll, with Dark Matters—

CASSANDRA: Vespa. You mind teaching Agent Shades over there how to read a room?

VESPA: Save the ass kissing until after we save the day, Eos.

EOS: Touché.

VESPA: Cass, put down the gun. This doesn’t end anywhere good and you know it.

CASSANDRA: Do I, Vespa? Do I? Because I remember a string of stream specials between the ages of 15 and 25 that suggest I’ve got real bad impulse control, and I think I’m feeling a relapse coming on.

MIN: Isn’t that just the way with children? You can bring a horse to a therapist, but you can’t make her take her antidepressants.

CASSANDRA: SHUT UP!

EOS: This doesn’t look good, Vespa.

VESPA: I know.

EOS: (WHISPERING) Then what’s the plan?

VESPA: Make another three hours appear out of thin air and use them to wrap this case up.

EOS: Vespa…

CASSANDRA: Hey! You two are gonna knock whatever the hell that is off right now, alright? And hands up, both of you!

VESPA: Alright, alright, hands up. You got me.

CASSANDRA: You’re damn right I got you. Alright, Agent Atoll. Unless you want to be able to see the wall through Vespa’s forehead, you’re gonna go over to that snake and check her pockets, bag, everything.

VESPA: Cass—

CASSANDRA: Did I ask you to talk? Has anyone ever asked you to talk? Shut the fuck up.

Agent.

EOS: Yes, Cassandra. Right away.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. 

Please excuse me, Mrs. Kanagawa—

MIN: Not at all.

SOUND: RUSTLING. 

CASSANDRA: You’re looking for a piece of paper. You’ll know it from my father’s signature at the bottom and a lot of broken promises above that.

VESPA: I thought you said—

SOUND: GUNSHOT. SOMETHING SHATTERS.

CASSANDRA: There. You believe I’m serious now?

VESPA: That vase sure does.

CASSANDRA: (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) You’re just asking for it, you know that? I should do Mars a favor and plug a laser bolt through your stupid skull right now.

VESPA: Go ahead.

CASSANDRA: Don’t test me.

VESPA: It’s barely even a quiz, Cass. You either shoot me or you don’t.

CASSANDRA: You smug little—!

EOS: Cassandra, I’ve completed my search of your stepmother’s belongings. But-

CASSANDRA: But what? Give me the papers, already!

EOS: There are no papers, Ms. Kanagawa. Min had nothing in her bag besides a prescription for anti-hallucinogens… made out to you.

CASSANDRA: What? But… that’s not… she’s gotta have…

MIN: I know this must come as a bit of a shock, Cassandra. I’m so sorry. But your doctor and I discussed it and she thought that these would suit you, and so after your next appointment—

CASSANDRA: I do not hallucinate! I’m clean, god damn it! I’ve been clean for years! I saw those papers in here. I know you have them. Nobody else could have taken them.

VESPA: You mean the—?

CASSANDRA: If you ask one more goddamn question, Vespa—

VESPA: Look, you’re not going to shoot me, Cass. I know that about you because I know you aren’t a murderer. You’re better than this, c’mon.

CASSANDRA: You’re… this is a trick, isn’t it? Another Vespa Ilkay original. You think you’re real funny, don’t you?

VESPA: I don’t joke, Cass. Not about this, not about you.

CASSANDRA: Alright, clown. Put on the red nose and let’s talk. Tell me what happened last night. If I like your answer, maybe I’ll let you go. Hell, maybe I’ll let everyone go.

VESPA: Mind if I ask Atoll to proofread? I’m gonna need a specialist to sort this out.

CASSANDRA: Y’know, I think I do mind. I think I mind a whole lot. And so long as I got this gun in my hand, everyone minds what I mind. Got it?

MIN: You had better listen to her, Vespa. One never knows what Cassandra will break when she gets like this.

VESPA (NARRATOR): I looked to Atoll, and her eyes were waiting for me. They said a lot, those two dark eyes: “Was I sure?” they wanted to know. And who could blame ‘em? I wanted to know, too.

But we had no choice, and she saw that in me, and she nodded. Effortlessly. Like trusting me was the easiest thing there was.

Wish I had that much faith in me. Feels like you could do the impossible, with someone looking at you that way.

CASSANDRA: You two gonna stop batting eyelashes anytime soon? I’m ready for your story, Ilkay. Tell it.

VESPA: Alright, alright. Those papers… they’re what you were looking for earlier, aren’t they? Something you must’ve dropped in here last night… like a schedule for the next season of Kanagawa programs.

CASSANDRA: So what if it was? That doesn’t prove anything.

VESPA: That’s because I’m not done. You seemed pretty upset with Croesus when I saw you. You pulled back eventually, but at first you seemed pretty burned.

CASSANDRA: He cheated me, sure. But he cheated everyone. And hey, genius Detective, I wasn’t here last night, remember?

VESPA: You were, actually. Cecil told us about your little switch. Had some video evidence, too, though I should’ve known something was up before then.

CASSANDRA: You don’t believe that little snake, do you? Over me? C’mon, Vee.

VESPA: I really thought you were different, Cass. Or, I wanted to. But in the house of the Kanagawas I can’t believe anyone anymore. If he didn’t have that camera feed he’d be in handcuffs right now.

CASSANDRA: I thought you said I wasn’t a killer, Vespa. Was that just another trick?

VESPA (NARRATOR): Cass was shaking, now, with rage or regret or some other feeling too dark to imagine. I didn’t like doing this to her. More than anything, I wanted to stop and tell her that we’ll sort it out, that I figured out how to set things right and that we'll be fine. But we were six years past that and this _needed_ to be done.

With her vision shaking so much, she couldn’t see Eos– slinking out of her periphery, and then closer and closer, inch by inch.

CASSANDRA: Answer me, damn it!

VESPA: I know you aren’t a killer, Cass. You’ve threatened everyone in this room with that gun by now, but you haven’t even gotten close to firing it.

CASSANDRA: I’ll show you who’s not close—!

VESPA: Eos, now!

SOUND: QUICK FOOTSTEPS.

EOS: Ugh!

SOUND: CASSANDRA GRUNTS. A RINGING GUNSHOT.

CASSANDRA: Get offa me!

EOS: Vespa, the gun!

SOUND: RUSTLING AS THEY STRUGGLE.

VESPA: Got it.

CASSANDRA: I should’ve known. You tricked me, Vespa. Goddamn it, you’re just like him. You cheat everyone, don’t you?

VESPA: I didn’t lie. I don’t think you’re a killer. I think it was a mistake.

CASSANDRA: A mistake? Does it count as a mistake if you don’t regret it, Vespa?

MIN: Now Cassandra! You don’t mean that!

VESPA: For once I’m gonna agree with Min, Cass. You wanna tell me what happened?

CASSANDRA: I told you. He lied to me. I saw it. He promised me he’d give it to me and then… and then…

VESPA: Your show, you mean. But he gave the slot to Cecil.

CASSANDRA: Yeah, my show. What the hell else? Fucker left a schedule for next season on my set, and there it was, “From the Jaws of Death,” a Cecil Kanagawa joint.

That cheat. I knew I’d never be able to have a conversation with him in daylight with all those cameras around. So I had to wait. Then I heard him, bumming around in his stupid tombstone collection in the middle of the night and I came to confront him.

MIN: And you killed him. Killed him for a silly little show. Cassandra, I can’t believe—

VESPA: Don’t make me shoot you, Min. Then what?

CASSANDRA: I had the schedule on me. I brought it in here and I waved it around in his face, asked him what the hell his promises were worth. But he didn’t care! He just kept shouting about that goddamn case of his with its goddamn defective locks. “How’d you open it without me,” “what were you trying to do with my Mask,” and that was just like him, wasn’t it? Crying about his stupid toys when he’d cheated me, he’d cheated me out of my life, and I just got so mad, I, I, I…

VESPA: Cass…

CASSANDRA: I didn’t know… I didn’t know the case was open behind him. I didn’t look. But honestly, I’m not sure I cared. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. So I—

VESPA: No, wait.

CASSANDRA: —pushed him. He fell into the case.

VESPA: Cass, stop for just a damn second.

CASSANDRA: I watched the Mask close around his face, and then… it ripped him apart.

And all this creepy stuff, the message on the wall, I… I didn’t do it, Vee. I mean, I don’t think I did. But I didn’t mean to push him, either, not really. Now every time I close my eyes all I see is that goddamn Mask… ripping him apart.

SOUND: VESPA LETS OUT A DEEP SIGH. A CAMERA FLASHES.

VESPA: Fuck.

MIN: (NOT A TRACE OF ANY FEAR IN HER VOICE) Did you get all that?

KANAGAWA WORKER: Got it all on tape, Mrs. Kanagawa.

MIN: Good. Gentlemen, I think it’s time to take my daughter away now.

CASSANDRA: Vespa… what did I do?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, AS SHE’S LED AWAY.

VESPA: You just sang the tune Min wanted you to sing, Cass. I’ll… I’ll think of something, okay? Don’t say anything else until the lawyer gets there.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

KANAGAWA WORKER: Let’s go, Ms. Kanagawa.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.

MIN: Well. A patriarch gone, a daughter behind bars… this is a very sad day for the Kanagawa family.

VESPA: Just drop it, Min. You really like rubbing it in everyone’s face when you’ve gotten away with something, don’t you?

MIN: I have no idea what you mean.

EOS: Mothers usually don’t when you try to confront them.

VESPA: Two things about this case never sat right with me. That schedule’s one. Where the hell’d it go?

MIN: That’s assuming there ever was a schedule to begin with… which I highly doubt. Hallucinations, Detective; delusions. Our psychiatric professionals will get right on it.

VESPA: (SCOFFS) Of course, you’d say that. That must be where she’s headed, then.

EOS: Where, exactly?

VESPA: Hoosegow. Local lock-up owned and operated by Croe… Sorry, by Min Kanagawa. There are cameras everywhere in there, Atoll. It’s for security, they say. But hey, who owns that footage, Min?

MIN: Cecil, technically. It’s for his shows.

EOS: (SLOWLY AT THE START, AS IF TEACHING A CHILD) So, Mr. Kanagawa owns the footage. And if someone owns _him—_ Well _._ I see your confusion, Detective. The paper with the late Kanagawa’s signature on it disappears at the penultimate moment. How very convenient.

The grief must be so very hard for you, Mrs. Kanagawa, I’m sure, but it seems you’re doing quite well for your finances in the meantime. Croesus had been leaking your profits for years, hadn’t he?

VESPA: Yeah. And the studio was gonna be down on Cecil’s blockbuster and up Cassandra’s dud. But now… We’ve got a special on the starlet who killed her father, a show about her rotting away in jail. And you still have her brother to milk for all he’s worth.

That sound about right? Theoretically, I mean.

MIN: Theoretically. If only you had the evidence to prove it.

EOS: You’re smart, Mrs. Kanagawa. There’s no point in denying it; though I doubt you needed me to tell you that. You’ve been leading us like dogs on a leash from the minute we stepped foot in this mansion.

MIN: Absurd. I haven’t even seen you until ten minutes ago.

VESPA: You didn’t need to. You knew exactly how to lead me around and who to pin it on. I just didn’t think you’d actually do it.

MIN: You two sound so angry! How noble. But I would have you ask yourselves one simple question: if all your reasoning is true – which, again, you cannot prove – and you really are as predictable as you say, who, precisely, should you be angry with?

I thought as much. The door is behind you, ladies.

VESPA: I’m taking the Mask. I’m not asking for permission, I’m telling you just in case you want to start shit for fun and pin that crime on me too.

MIN: Oh, you’d already be behind bars if that were the case, Vespa! But you two are free to spend your evening as you please. Just know that if you do decide to reopen this case… I’d recommend you stay clear of dark alleys for a while. Some members of the Kanagawa family don’t take well to those who hurt their own.

EOS: I do believe in the saying that what goes around, comes around, Mrs. Kanagawa.

MIN: Is that a threat, Agent?

EOS: Is it? My, I wasn’t aware. I’m afraid anything apart from disappearances and assassinations is above my pedigree— for now. Cheers, darling.

Scene: 3

VESPA (NARRATOR): We dropped by my office to put the Mask in my safe. I was thinking about going to check for trace samples in my own lab… if Sikuliaq didn’t install those damn unhackable child locks to lock me out by seven sharp.

SOUND: RAINFALL ON PAVEMENT, BEEPING.

DOOR LOCK: Access: Denied.

VESPA: (MUTTERED) Damn it, Sikuliaq, answer your damn comms already!

EOS: It’s so cold, Vespa. I would hate to wait out here all night until your secretary answers. You… wouldn’t want to show me someplace warmer, would you?

VESPA: Everything in this district is closed this time of night. Besides, a little too late for first impressions now.

EOS: I didn’t mean a restaurant.

VESPA: … Ah.

VESPA (NARRATOR): So I uh… I put the Mask in the safe with Cecil’s data drive and… brought her back to my place.

SOUND: CLOCK TICKING FAINTLY.

EOS: Do you mind sparing a glass, darling? I have this cognac here that’s simply begging to be poured, and I was never one to deny a supplicant.

SOUND: GLASS CLINKS.

Just one? Not an after-work drinker, I take it? Good for you. I, however, am not free from such vices.

SOUND: EOS POURS THE COGNAC. VESPA LAUGHS BITTERLY.

EOS: What?

VESPA: Nothing. Don’t worry your pretty little—

EOS: Oh come now, darling. We’re well past the point of niceties, I think. I assure you, you won’t hurt my feelings as easily as you did Mr. Kanagawa’s today.

VESPA: Right. It’s just… It’s just kinda cute that you got all worked up over some family drama from a planet you’ve only been to for less than a day.

EOS: (BEAT— IN ALL HER YEARS OF GETTING COMPLIMENTS LEFT AND RIGHT, SHE’S NEVER BEEN CALLED CUTE. NOT ONCE. SO SHE’S ALMOST UNSURE IF SHE SHOULD BE FLATTERED OR INSULTED.) _**Cute.**_

VESPA: If you’re fishing for a better compliment, get better bait.

EOS: You think it seems _silly_ that I’m upset about your… “friend” being arrested on wrong charges—

VESPA: (WHILE EOS SPEAKS) But _are you_?

EOS: But I am perfectly justified— Yes! Why wouldn’t I be? I rather think _you_ should be more upset about this than I am, but here you are, sitting pretty in your apartment like you’ve solved this case without a single hitch in your plans. Quite frankly, it’s unfair.

VESPA: Hm. That’s rich coming from you.

EOS: Then call me King Midas, darling!

SOUND: VESPA SCOFFS. ANOTHER DRINK BEING POURED.

You aren’t going to spend my last night on Mars mocking me for my morals, are you?

VESPA: I do have better things to do, actually. I might be off the clock because of those damn locks, but there’s still a couple details to check over.

EOS: What more do you have to check? Clearly, to you, it’s over. We all survived, if you don’t count my poor hand. My wound still throbs when it rains, you brute.

VESPA: (CLEARS THROAT) Right. Sorry about that.

EOS: (LAUGHING) So that’s how it is, is it? (BEAT- SHE TAKES A LONG SIP FROM HER GLASS) This isn’t personal, darling, so you shouldn’t take it as such. But you interest me, Vespa Ilkay. Quite a lot, I must admit- and for a woman of my accomplishments it takes a very interesting person indeed to catch my eye.

An ex-Outer Rim refugee, ex-paramedic, ex-forensics specialist for the HCPD, a woman who so very obviously cares for the well-being of other people, yet plays the cynic when injustice is done, laughs in the face of danger and resigns when there can still be hope yet.

It’s… quite attractive, if I am to be entirely truthful, darling. And infuriating, if I am to actually give the entire truth.

VESPA: (LAUGHS) Wow, you think you got it in one, huh?

EOS: What’s the matter? Did I get any of that wrong?

VESPA: Do you really think I’d admit it if you didn’t?

EOS: (AMUSED) Fair enough.

VESPA: (BEAT) You… You don’t have to go, Eos.

EOS: (CHARMING LITTLE LAUGH) And you call me cute.

VESPA: Listen, you don’t have to do this. You know that, right?

EOS: I’m afraid I must, Vespa. The universe calls, and I am bade to answer, no matter the reluctance you or I bear at this moment. But the universe can wait for one night, I think— come here, darling. Come to me.

VESPA (NARRATOR): Lips like silk. Strong, manicured hands, pulling at my belt loops. It was the kind of kiss that, if I closed my eyes, feels like it was going to last the rest of our lives…

Until I squint down and see the decision looming upon the horizon and it’s over, like all good things end up.

VESPA: Eos…

EOS: Vespa.

VESPA: Has anyone ever told you…

SOUND: HANDCUFFS CLICKING.

… that you’re under arrest?

EOS: Oh, Vespa! Usually not until the second date, darling, but-

VESPA: I mean it, Atoll. Or… whoever the hell you are.

EOS: Ah, so this isn’t the part where this devolves into some kind of fantasy scenario. Well. I suppose in that case, I’ll play along. Under arrest for what?

VESPA: The attempted theft of the Mask of Grimpotheuthis, abetting the manslaughter of Croesus Kangawa…

EOS: I haven’t the first idea what you’re talking about.

VESPA: … and for stealing the keys to my safe straight out of my pocket.

SOUND: KEYS CLINKING.

EOS: That does sound more familiar, I’m afraid. Caught in the act, as it were.

VESPA: It was you, you know.

EOS: How very flattering, darling—

VESPA: You were the second thing bothering me in all this. You knew that the jig was up this whole time and you were still so invested in whatever was going on and pretending.

SOUND: TINKLING GLASS.

Hidden glass syringes, tucked underneath the Kanagawas’ doorknobs. Wondered why you kept insisting on opening the doors. I saw you pull this one from the door in the Mask’s room when I was talking to Cass. I took it from your pocket when you sent me after your plasma cutter.

EOS: My fatal flaw, besides being a raging narcissist and a bit of an alcoholic, is most definitely the fact that I can’t resist a pretty detective rooting around in my pockets.

But I doubt that’s all you’re convicting me of. I do think this is the part where the master detective reveals her hand.

VESPA: Sure. Cecil’s data drive.

EOS: … The one that had footage of him dressed up as Ms. Kanagawa? I’m afraid I don’t follow.

VESPA: No. The footage of you, from the Camera Man in the halls, from the ones around that stupid death chair of his. And from the one that caught you in the gallery before Cass pushed Croesus. (BEAT) Got nothing to say to that, huh?

Cass wasn’t lying when she said the case was open before she ever got there. And here was footage right from Cecil’s feral experiments set loose in Casa Kanagawa catching you red-handed.

You couldn’t take the mask right then. So here you are now.

EOS: As loathe as I am to admit when I’ve made a mistake, Cassandra and Croesus’ unexpected foray into the Mask’s display room meant I was forced to make a hasty escape; an escape that resulted in my not being able to carry out the job I was hired for. The floor plans of the Kanagawa mansion were tricky to memorize, you know; but memorize them I did, darling.

VESPA: (SCOFF) But you still got caught by a rogue Camera Man. Can’t say I don’t feel sorry for you. So. Who are you, really?

EOS: (LAUGH) Who am I? Well. For a detective of your caliber, Vespa, I’d expect a much more insightful interrogation from you, honestly-

VESPA: Quit dancing around and answer the question!

EOS: But if it’s a name you’re after, darling, I’m afraid I’m not inclined to give it out to just anyone- and it would take someone very special for me to give it now.

VESPA: (TIRED SIGH) So, is that all you were lying about? I'm trying to remember from the top of my top of my head.

EOS: Well, this isn't actually my first time on Mars, but that has nothing to do this. I'm fortunate to have been given a job halfway across the city from a person I have no intention of seeing within the next century.

VESPA: And Dark Matters? You do that on your own?

EOS: Why, I’m flattered you think me capable of doing it all by myself! But no. It pays, sometimes, to have powerful friends- you’ve proved the opposite with your relationship with the Kanagawas, after all.

Now, if you would allow me to shift the focus of our conversation, darling?

SOUND: COMMS BEEP.

VESPA: You’ve got about two minutes before the cops get here. You can say whatever you want until then. I’m done asking questions.

EOS: Even the greatest talent can’t afford to stagnate, Vespa, and that’s exactly what you’ll be doing if you stay in Hyperion. You and I, we’re not so different- why, together we could take the galaxy by storm! Think about it, darling: with the Kanagawas fresh on your back, you could do with a disappearance, I think-

And I just so happen to be an expert in them.

VESPA: We’ll see how much of an expert you are after this one.

EOS: I know you don’t do serious, darling, but just this once, consider it. Please. You can leave Hyperion City behind, and I, my powerful friends. We could mean something, Vespa. Together. We could mean style, and flashy heists, and taking down those in the galaxy that boast so grandly of their self-made wealth, all the while crushing those whose labor they relied upon beneath their million-cred heels. We could do good, Vespa. Real good. And I know that you have roots here darling, I know, but even so, just think of what lies beyond Hyperion’s dome! There’s a whole universe out there, darling; it’s simply waiting for us to take it.

SOUND: DOOR KNOCK. DOOR OPEN.

VESPA: Officers.

OFFICER: Ilkay. Guess I’m not so surprised to see you spending the night with a treasure thief.

VESPA: Whatever, McCrory. Just be careful with this one, alright? She’s… tricky.

OFFICER: Can’t be that bad if _you_ caught her.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. THEY ESCORT HER TO THE DOOR.

EOS: (SOFTLY) We could make quite the pair.

VESPA: I’m sure we could. I’ll be at the station in a minute.

OFFICER: If you are, bring a helmet. Kapoor’s been saving a lead pipe for you.

EOS: Well, then. I suppose this is goodbye. Until we meet again, Vespa.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES. 

VESPA (NARRATOR): She was gone. Her smell lingered in the air– that cologne I could never place. A scent from some other planet, like nothing I’d ever smelled before. It’d take weeks to get it out.

I needed to clear my head a minute before I drove over. I went to put away her glass…

SOUND: DRINK POURING.

… and that’s when I saw it. A little slip of paper, sticking up between the cushions. She must’ve written it behind her back. Crazy, but… I’d believe she could do anything.

EOS (NARRATOR):

_Vespa,_

_If you wish for one final glimpse of me, watch the public access feed for Route 742. Somewhere around Mercury Drive, if my calculations are correct; and based on experience I can tell you that they almost always are. Get a good look, darling: it may be your last._

_I do hope it isn’t, though. I meant every word I said, Vespa— we could be such a pair together. Buddy and Vespa. Vespa and Buddy. I don’t know about you, but I quite like the sound of that. Stars, darling. We could be stars. Together._

_Well. Look at me, waxing poetic when I should be focusing on my daring escape. You simply bring out the romantic in me, Vespa. But, no matter. I’ll be waiting for you._

_Signed,_

_Your Better Half,_

_Buddy Aurinko_

VESPA: (PAUSE) Damn!

SOUND: COMMS BLIP.

Sikuliaq!

JET: (TIRED) Vespa. It is nearly midnight. You know that I prefer to turn in early during the week-

VESPA: Oh, thank god you answered. Jet, I need you to get me a call with Sasha Wire. Now.

JET: I do not think Agent Wire would appreciate being woken up at this hour either.

VESPA: Just tell her to call me, damn it! And we’re having another talk about the stupid child locks in the morning!

SOUND: COMM BLIP. 

VESPA (NARRATOR): I couldn’t wait. I had to know.

SOUND: CLICK AS VIDEO MONITOR TURNS ON, AND VESPA FLIPS THROUGH CHANNELS.

VESPA: Come on, come on, god damn it, Bud, where are you?

SOUND: CLICKING. FINALLY, SHE STOPS. A SIREN.

No… Fuck!

MUSIC: STARTS.

VESPA (NARRATOR): It was exactly where she said. The car was parked on the sidewalk. On the ground beside it, in nothing but their underwear, bound and gagged, were the cops that’d picked her up earlier.

And Buddy was nowhere in sight.

I checked my pocket. The key to my safe was gone.

VESPA: Shit!

SOUND: COMMS BLIP. VESPA RUSHES FOR HER COAT AND CAR KEYS.

WIRE: Vespa! Not only is this line confidential, I was just allotted my 20 minutes of break time! If you needed me so badly, you should have had Agent Atoll call! Wait… Where is she?

SOUND: A DOOR CREAKING OPEN AND BOOTS ECHOING DOWN THE STAIRS.

VESPA: (PANTING) Wish I knew, Sash. I’d tell you the whole story but I’m in kind of a rush to try and not let her get away. She wasn’t who we thought she was.

WIRE: You’ll tell me the story now, Vespa. Vespa–

SOUND: COMMS BLIP. CAR DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

VESPA (NARRATOR): That’s how things go in Hyperion. Just one stupid mess after another. One moment, she’s your daughter, next she’s you’re killer. One moment, she’s your partner, then she’s gone.

I thought about those messes: Croesus, Min, Cass, Buddy— and found my office in a literal mess with the window I’d been about to jump out of that morning wide open. I ignore the open safe to walk up to it, looking down into the street in front of my office.

Shouldn’t have trusted her. Shouldn’t have trusted anyone else.

Helpless and tired,I drove straight back home to sleep; sleep, and the smell of Buddy Aurinko in the air.

It’d take weeks for that smell to fade.

I’ve missed it ever since.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, before we part, we would like to thank our betas as well the people who lent their voices in the liveread of this part of the fic (yes, us included. SJ is actually quite proud of what we did in and out of the document):  
> \- [Danny](https://twitter.com/ghostzvne) as Vespa Ilkay;  
> \- [Jeannette](https://twitter.com/entropyre) as Buddy Aurinko and the Kanagawa goon;  
> \- [SJ](https://twitter.com/stubborn_jerk) as Cassandra and Cecil Kanagawa, and Officer McCrory;  
> \- [Jax](https://twitter.com/jaxildan) as Jet Sikuliaq and Min Kanagawa; and  
> \- [Sameer](https://twitter.com/mangocltrus) as Sasha Wire and our designated foley work extraordinaire.
> 
> EDIT (5hrs since uploading): A very special thanks to [Buttons](https://twitter.com/buttonsdraws) for their remix of Wonderland Round 3 and Crazy Frog. We loved it so much that Jeannette got up and called immediately.
> 
> And thank _you_ very much for reading this! See you in the next one!

**Author's Note:**

> if you need us, our socials are at:
> 
> SJ: [directory to twt, tumblr, etc.](https://stubbornjerk.carrd.co)  
> jeannette: [twitter](https://twitter.com/entropyre)
> 
> Tell us what you think!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [never seen a woman taken by the wind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28692906) by [stubborn_jerk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubborn_jerk/pseuds/stubborn_jerk)




End file.
